i just received an email from a concerned and confused blog reader. the email reads:
_______
Hey there.
Just curious. If you're comfortable with being gay then why you hidin' it? Is it because deep in your heart you know it's wrong?
I'm a little confused.
_______
i completely understand why you would be confused. and maybe some other readers are confused, as well. i explained this early on in my blogs, but instead of just telling you to go back and read all my blogs, i will explain it anew here in blog land.
yes, i am extremely comfortable with being gay. actually, comfortable might not be the right word. i have embraced and accepted it yes. but it's hard to get too comfortable when i live in such a hostile world toward members of the GLTB community. it's difficult to be comfortable with my sexual orientation when i live in a christian community that thinks gay people are doomed to hell. and it's uncomfortable not to be able to tell my family and friends whom i love dearly. but God never really called us to be comfortable, so i'm not really that worried about it.
in response to your question "why you hidin' it?" i give you this:
trust me, if i didn't have to hide it, i wouldn't. i would love to shout it from the roof tops! i wish i could go on tv and tell everyone that i'm gay. i wish i could be the poster child for a person who actually loves Jesus more than anything and who also happens to be gay. i wish i could tell my closest friends and beloved family. but i can't. and no, it's not because "deep in my heart i know it's wrong." quite the contrary.
i've never been more sure of anything, besides my salvation and calling into full-time ministry. i am extremely confident with who i am deep in my heart. deep in my heart, i find Christ seated on His throne. by His kindness and grace, i have set Him apart as Christ the Lord in my heart. deep in my heart i find nothing but peace and God's sovereignty. deep in my heart i find the Lord smiling on me, living through me, and working His power in me.
the reason i have to hide it is this:
if i didn't hide it right now, i would lose everything. and call me a coward or whatever you want to call me, but i'm not prepared for that right now. if i came out, i would lose my job. my church would ask me to leave. it would destroy a ministry i know i'm called to. it would ruin my relationship with my family and most of my friends. it would end what i'm doing right now. and i know that what i'm doing right now is exactly what God has called me to do: spread the gospel and lead worship. therefore, until He makes another way for me, i must remain hidden. i know this won't make sense to you, and that's ok. i'm not expecting to change your mind about homosexuality. but i did think that i owed you and whoever else reads this, an answer.
i don't know yet how to balance my ministry and my sexual orientation. i don't know how or when i will tell people who i really am. if i start stressing out about that, i lose my joy and peace. so i am trying to take each day at a time. i am consistently surrendering to the Lord, relying on Him to get me through the day-to-day. i am throwing myself on His grace while laying my burdens and anxieties about the future down at His feet.
God will show me when it is safe to come out from hiding. but right now, it's not the right timing. for me, keeping my sexual orientation private is how i'm able to continue on in ministry and continue making ends meet without completely destroying my community. and yes, i know God will provide when eventually i do come out... but i'm not rushing into anything. His timing is perfect so i will wait.
thanks to those of you who have written me such sweet notes of encouragement in this process. thank you for reminding me to be patient with myself and to not be so hard on myself. and thank you for reminding me that it's ok to protect my calling at this time. thanks to those of you who edify me with you words of wisdom and perseverance. and thanks, even, to those of you who post combative/homophobic things to me. because even in that, i seek the Lord and His affirmation or conviction.
He is good. He is sovereign. and He will keep me in the center of His will. where we get tripped up is when we judge others and act like we know everything. that's what happens when God is small and man is big. but the truth of the matter is, it's all about God. He is not small, He never has been. He is God, the I AM and He is sovereign and big enough to speak to me, and i praise Him that He does!
i am hidden in Christ. i am hidden from others. but the important thing is, at the end of the day, i am a child of God. and He is pleased with me. His pleasure, grace, and love toward me are not based on what some people might think of me or the issue of homosexuality, and that is refreshing. when all is said and done, it comes down to who we are before God.
broken and needy, Lord i am Yours. Abba Father, i love you. thank You for first loving me and for never changing Your love toward me.
10 comments:
Yes, God totally loves you as you are. You will know in your heart when it is safe to 'come out.' There are degrees to coming out and, of course, it is difficult when one partner is further or less out than the other. It is not cowardly to weigh the costs. What is tragic is that we LGBT folks even have to engage in such an exercise when the bulk of straight people don't have to (there are circumstances, too, when they have to be circumspect but not nearly as often). I pray that some day (probably not in my lifetime -- I am 50) the announcement of one's parnership with another human being will be a source of joy, regardless of the orientation of the couple.
[word verification is not helpful here:
orgy-lhou]
Hi Hidden! I'm checking in from Cecelia's place.
Many of us who grew up in conservative faith settings know the need to keep our full selves hidden from others, and as you have indicated, the Spirit will make it very clear when that time has passed. However, when that time comes, I'm not sure that it is because it is safe, but rather that it is right and blessed.
I love CS Lewis' reminder of that in the Narnia series. Aslan is far from safe, but very, very good.
Peace of Christ.
Praying and hoping for the day when none of us will need to hide any longer.
Pax, C.
I am glad to see Caminante's words here and KJ's as well.
As a heterosexual person, I am less able to comment but I can offer you my support.
I think you are on a journey and the journey needs to be undertaken... that means for now you can't be out fully.
And that is ok.
As for me, you have my prayers and I am deeply honored and grateful to walk with you along the Way.
Keep on my sister!
Bless you, HIC--you're doing just fine. :-)
For everything, there is a season. Seeds are hidden for a time, before they sprout.
Most things grow in the sheltered dark, in fact, before they can be born.
Sometimes it's hard to wait through gestation.
Thank you so much for your blog and your courage. You are courageous. I will say a prayer for you today in your struggle.
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I really love reading your blog and make sure I do so every day.... great work to inspire those of us on a similar journey.
It can be dangerous to be an openly GLBT person, even today, in the USA.
You can lose your job or your home. You can be physically attacked. You can be killed. All of these things happen today.
You can be hated, made fun of, preached against, thrown out of churches, removed from ordained ministry or banned from church councils, like the Episcopal Bishop of NH. You can be preached against, called a deviant, an abomination or worse.
It isn't a surprise that many GLBT folks are in the closet. The surprise is that so many GLBT people are out of the closet.
Coming out is a journey. It takes time. Don't try and rush the process. God will give you grace for the journey.
"confused" wrote the following in response to my post about why i'm a closet gay christian in ministry (what's weird is that i published the comment but it still isn't showing up on this blog... so i'm posting it myself) :
But Hidden,
If you truly believe that your sexual orientation is a gift from God and that it needs to be proclaimed from the rooftops, then you must stop being a hypocrite and declare yourself for who you are. How can you lead worship and do ministry while living in hypocrisy?
Jesus lived out His truth every day -- never hiding it -- always proclaiming it. It didn't make Him popular, but He always trusted His FAther along the way.
Personally, I think your church is correct in their assessment of homosexuality, but, hey, if you have to be you, then you should be the "honest you", not the "phoney you". The way it stands right now, you're not helping God, you're just using Him.
Come out, come out, whoever you are.
- Confused
my response to this is as follows:
confused, i understand why you wrote what you wrote (except for the part about me using God. that's just ridiculous. you don't know me, nor do you know the ministry He has called me to. but i will not waste time defending something that won't change your mind)
i do agree that it would be awesome to come clean and come out of hiding. trust me, i would love to. but honestly, you have no right to tell me to do that. in effect, that would be like the following situation:
let's say you grew up really rich and privileged and you had everything you ever wanted and needed. you were born with the proverbial silver spoon in your mouth into great wealth. your email to me was basically as if you were to go up to a impoverished kid dying of aids in africa and tell him, "hey, poor kid. why don't you get off your rear and go do something and make a living and change the way you're living."
you have no right to speak into that boy's life because you've never walked in his shoes. you don't know him nor are you even remotely familiar with his situation. the same is true of your posting. you are encouraging me to do something that you yourself would probably never do. what's more, you have no right to make a judgement call on the issue because you have no idea what it's like. you haven't walked a mile (much less an inch) in my shoes. and if you read the comments other people have written here, you'll see that it's easier said than done.
it's easy for you to tell me to "come out come out wherever you are" but it's unfair for you to ask me to do so. if you were a close friend of mine who had a face and a name, i would probably listen to you. but you are a faceless, nameless internet blog commenter and you have no right to make a judgement call about my life and ministry and tell me to "come out." it's just not that easy.
in the same way, it's just not that easy nor it is right or loving to tell someone living in poverty to go get a job and start living differently. especially when they're own poverty isn't their fault in the first place. but i'll blog about poverty later.
to be completely honest with you and the rest of whoever is reading this, i have NEVER been more the "honest me." i am more honest now than i have ever been. i am finally 100% honest with the Lord. i am living authentically with Him and i have finally embraced who He has made me to be. i have never been in a more honest place. regardless of how you see it or not, i rest in the fact that i am accepted in the Beloved. that when God sees me, He sees His Son and He sees me as righteous, blameless, and without blemish or stain.
and one more thing:
i have to share with you an email i received from a friend of mine. she said it best:
"I think the view isn't so hot from the cheap seats. By that I mean, I think that's pretty easy for someone to say who isn't in your shoes. I think if they stood to lose their job/vocation/community/family/safety over something not in their control, they might see it differently. I agree that it's optimal to be out, but that isn't something to do quickly, unadvisedly, or without substantial preparation. Safety is an issue here, and that comes first.
I think that coming out is a sometimes years-long a process, in which you lay the foundation (brick by brick) to live out in the world. If you don't have that support in place first, it will be damaging to you and to those you care about. If this person doesn't understand that, you don't owe them an explanation.
You didn't create this unsafe environment. To tell you you're a hypocrite for not being out in that environment is sort of analogous to being a child who grew up in poverty, getting the "self-made man" speech from someone who grew up in a home with two loving, not-overworked parents, adequate food, solid education,etc. "I did it; so can you poor people!" Well, maybe, but don't you DARE think it's the same thing.
You take care of yourself and honor your own process. God's inside it with you."
she also went on to say,
"I think that, as soon as the focus comes off God, it's a whole lot harder for that ministry to happen.
This is a sufficiently hot-button issue in your denomination that many in your congregation, even if they don't kick you out, will cease to see the ministry piece and see only the "gay" thing. Counter-productive, and in fact may prevent you from doing the job altogether until such a time as you (and especially THEY) could wear it more lightly.
This person seems not in a position to understand that, either."
ok. that's all for now.
i forgive you, confused, especially for accusing me of using God. He would have something quite different to say about that. but i'll leave that to Him to reveal that to you. it's not my job to argue the legitimacy and validity of my fellowship and relationship with Christ to a stranger.
i couldn't resist! I had to post yet another encouraging response from another friend of mine:
Hidden,
First, a person in ministry is obligated to their community to help to keep the focus of that ministry on God (and not the minister her/himself) whenever possible. There are a million ways for this to go awry, and this "hot button" issue is one of the easiest. Assuming (and there's no guarantee) that you get to KEEP the job leading the successful ministry, after revealing this information. Still, it's virtually guaranteed to get in the way of ministry until it's an issue that the church-as-a-whole can see from a healthier angle.
Second, your safety is definitely an issue here. You stand to risk a job (and possibly a career) in which you are happy and successful...your income, your community, your friends, your family...and the risk is based on a characteristic over which you do not have control. This is not something to do lightly. I absolutely agree that "out" is preferable--healthier for you and everyone else. The truth is almost always the right answer. (And if you have a problem with the word "almost," consider the position of Miep Gies, hiding the Frank family from the Nazis. She lied to protect them. This is different only in the level of certainty of physical harm; there will certainly be pain on many fronts following the Big Reveal.) However, that isn't something to do quickly, unadvisedly, or without substantial preparation. Safety is an issue here, and that comes first. Having it happen in a compassionate, stable and healthy way is also crucial. God has called you to do that ministry, in that place. God knew what he was getting, and will help you to continue living out his purpose--whether or not that purpose is clear to the questioner...or even to you. :-)
Coming out is sometimes years-long a process, in which you lay the foundation (brick by brick) to live out in the world. If you don't have that support in place first, it will be damaging to you and to those you care about. Prudence and hypocrisy are two different things. It took me about five years of preparation to be fully "out" in every aspect of my life, and I don't regret a single day of that preparation. I didn't ask to be gay (and spent about 20 years fruitlessly trying NOT to be). I didn't choose to be in a position to jeopardize everything I care about, and I'm betting you didn't, either. These are the cards I was dealt. I had to grow into the ability to live honestly, and my community had to grow into the ability to accept it. Rome was not built in a day.
Also, there's a way in which this isn't a fair question. It's a little bit like growing up in the projects and getting the "I'm a self-made man" speech from someone who grew up in a home with two loving, not-overworked parents, adequate food, solid education,etc. "I did it; so can you poor people!" Well, maybe, but don't you DARE think it's the same thing. Some people are born on third base; some are born on first. It doesn't mean they can't both get to home plate, but the person born on first sure has to work harder for it.
Finally...you have to find the peace within yourself to do this courageously and compassionately, in your own way and your own timing. Relationship with God, prayer, grace, patience, and perseverance will be necessary. I'm a firm believer that God lives in the gaps between us, and will help us to bridge them when we're ready.
Peace, girl.
AMEN and AMEN!!!
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