Wednesday, August 27, 2008

yet another story line

i'm realizing that most people blog about really inspiring things. most people talk about more than their own lives. i love to read many people's blogs who talk about real life and real experiences. and i realized that i dont so much do that. i more talk about my personal journey. selfish? yes, kind of. but also, i've realized this is like my online journal of sorts.

so, i apologize to those of you who read this and get bored with my rantings about my experience learning to live as a gay christian in full time ministry. but to those of you who enjoy seeing God's hand in all this, thank you for reading! i enjoy keeping you in the loop. because this is quite a journey.

today i had coffee with a safe, low-risk amazing friend who i came out to about a month ago. but i've been wanting to tell her the whole story: my relationship with Hope. so today, yes at starbucks again, i told her all about Hope. it was amazing. she responded so well and was genuinely excited that i had found true love. she wanted to know all the details. and at the end even said: "omigosh, i feel like i need to get you a wedding present!" it was so beautiful. she was so supportive and definitely wants to come to our wedding ceremony, whenever we have one in the future. 

gotta love starbucks. i can't seem to keep secrets there.

it was so refreshing to finally get to talk about Hope like i've always wanted to. i've wanted to shout it from a mountain how i'm in love with the most beautifully created woman in the entire world! i want to praise God outloud for His provision and His grace. 

this road is hard, but i love that i know i'm not alone. God is there so close. closer than ever. and also, i've got about 9 people who now know about me and some of those people know about me and Hope. how freeing!

just had to share... 

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

soulforce goodness

LOVED this article.

click here for some amazing insight from mel white.

a starbucks outing... literally

girls and boys, i am on a roll. the Lord keeps giving me that feeling. you know the one, the one that rises up in you and makes you feel peaceful enough to come out to someone who you trust. maybe you dont know the feeling, but i've become well aware of it. its a scary feeling, because i know i'm about to share with someone something very deep and personal. but its a great feeling because i know in that moment the Lord is Sovereign and leading me to share my story.

so today at starbucks, i met with an old friend who came back into my life after many years. about 10 years ago she asked me to sing at her holy union ceremony with her soon-to-be wife. in my ignorance, i was clearly convinced that being gay was a sin. so i told her absolutely NOT. never would i be caught dead singing at your unholy union.

my heart still cringes at those words i remember saying. such pain i must have caused.

well, when God started changing my mind and heart about the issue of homosexuality, i started thinking of all the bridges i'd burned with people like my friend. so i resolved to find every gay person i had hurt and make amends. it was difficult because i'd lost touch with many of them

so i searched and searched specifically for the info on the gal i had coffee with today. i couldn't find her email anywhere. so i prayed and prayed that God would either make me remember her email address or some way in which i could get in touch with her.

nothing for many many months. and it was eating at me. i really wanted to make things right.

finally, i surrendered. i gave up. i told God that He would have to drop her info in my lap because i couldn't find it anywhere.

3 days after that, she actually emailed me! after 8 years of not talking. she emailed me! isn't God awesome?

so i email her back immediately and tell her the God story. how i had tried to find her info. and how i gave up and then she emailed me. and i went on and on about how wrong i'd been and how sorry i was and i think i asked for her forgiveness like a gazillion times. of course she was gracious in her response, understanding my ignorance.

which isn't bliss, at all.

so we ended up talking more after that, seeing each other a couple times, and then we had coffee today. and i had a feeling she would be the 9th person on my safe, low-risk list of people i can tell that i'm gay. and lo and behold, she was. 

the funny thing is, she had asked me a week prior in an email if i was questioning whether or not i was gay. apparently my questions had led her to believe i was searching. but at this point i wasn't ready to come out to her yet. so i truthfully and simply replied, no, i'm not questioning. all the while in my head thinking, well, i'm not. there's no questioning, wink. i'm absolutely without a doubt gay.

so today my lead-in to my outing at starbucks (pun intended) was, "hey remember when you asked me if i was questioning? well, i'm not questioning. there's no question. i'm gay."

she almost spit out her double tall iced caramel 2 pumps macadamia nut over complicated with whip and a monkey playing a banjo macchiatto. it was awesome. i love surprising people. because i have tried to hard to perfect the art of putting up a front so that i am able to stay in ministry. i was glad she was astonished.

we had a wonderful talk after that. i shared with her my fears and my heart and my pain over the tension between being gay and being in full-time ministry surrounded by christians who are homophobic. its very hard. and many readers who haven't read my past posts say, "then just get out of ministry. or get into new ministry. just come out with it." 

oh wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy. the problem is, i cant. i feel called into the exact ministry in which God has me for such a time as this. and until He shows me another road, i'm staying right where He's planted me. someday He will resolved the tension. but for now, i keep walking by faith with the word as my lamp and the Lion of Judah panting beside me.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

i love my friends

my best friend, who i told last week about my relationship with Hope, you remember the one? well, she has come a long way. the Lord has used my situation to challenge her to reflect on what she thinks about homosexuality. it has been beautiful to watch her grow.

so yesterday we're talking on the phone, and supposedly she got into a conversation with a black and white fundamentalist anti-gay christian. the girl said things about how clear it was that being gay is a sin.

my best friend stood up for me and all those christians in the LGBT community. it was amazing. she said to this girl, "i totally disagree." and the girl kept on going and going and again, she said "nope, i disagree. i dont think homosexuality is a sin."

one life changed. so many more to go! but there is hope!

plus, this past week, the Lord opened up a door for me to come out to another person! she's a really good friend i have in ministry and i felt comfortable enough and trusted her enough to tell her. she responded so well. actually, it was yet another one of those, "i'm gay too" coming out sessions. it was truly amazing. God keeps blowing me away with the number of gay christians He's bringing in my path.

the number of friends who are excited about attending my wedding someday off in the far far future is growing!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

fully coming out to my best friend about Hope

so, i finally did it. i was so nervous i could barely breathe, but the timing was right. my best friend and accountability partner ashley came in town. let me preface this by saying that before this conversation, she knew i was gay and totally accepting of it. she didnt, however, know about Hope, the love of my life. 

and i knew it was time to tell her. so i know i haven't blogged in a while, its because things have been crazy, but better late than never. especially with good news!

so she came over and i told her i hadn't been completely honest with her. i started in on everything. balling my eyes out the whole time. she listened so well and then i finally told her about Hope. 

it broke my heart because she was hurt. to see the hurt i caused her, i could see it in her eyes, killed me. but God went before me. she responded well and with grace. she had compassion on me and understood why i had to keep it from her to protect myself and Hope and our relationship. 

after the initial shock and hurt wore off, she was completely excited about our relationship. so, thank Jesus i have another friend who knows about the love of my life! its so freeing to get that out. 

so that makes 3 people who not only know about me being gay, but also who i am in love with.

God keeps providing. just wanted to give you guys an update. thanks for the support.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

finally, an amazing blog on marriage and sex

wow. this blog made my day today.

had to share it with you all. click here.


Friday, August 1, 2008

house of reps apology to LGBT?

the House of Reps just put out a formal apology for slavery. The wording is below...

but first:

now, we see slavery as horrible. but way back when, people thought it normal. people even defended it with scripture. thankfully, over time, we have seen the error of our ways. i pray that some day this same thing will happen with homosexuals. i pray that some day people, america, the church will realize how horribly wrong their attitudes and beliefs have been toward LGBT people. i pray that similar wording will be used in a formal apology to those of us who are persecuted for our sexual orientation.

Note the numbered reasons why we now see that slavery was WRONG. It parallels greatly with the topic of homosexuality.

"After recounting the evil of slavery, it concludes:

Whereas a genuine apology is an important and necessary first step in the process of racial reconciliation;

Whereas an apology for centuries of brutal dehumanization and injustices cannot erase the past, but confession of the wrongs committed can speed racial healing and reconciliation and help Americans confront the ghosts of their past;

Whereas it is important for this country, which legally recognized slavery through its Constitution and its laws, to make a formal apology for slavery and for its successor, Jim Crow, so that it can move forward and seek reconciliation, justice, and harmony for all of its citizens: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives:

(1) acknowledges that slavery is incompatible with the basic founding principles recognized in the Declaration of Independence that all men are created equal;

(2) acknowledges the fundamental injustice, cruelty, brutality, and inhumanity of slavery and Jim Crow;

(3) apologizes to African Americans on behalf of the people of the United States, for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors who suffered under slavery and Jim Crow; and

(4) expresses its commitment to rectify the lingering consequences of the misdeeds committed against African Americans under slavery and Jim Crow and to stop the occurrence of human rights violations in the future.


maybe someday they will issue an apology to people like me. i would love to see a church apology. here's how i would re-write it about us:

(1) acknowledges that bigotry toward homosexuals is incompatible with the basic founding principles recognized in the Declaration of Independence (and in the Bible, for that matter) that all people are created equal - regardless of whether or not they're created gay or straight;

(2) acknowledges the fundamental injustice, cruelty, brutality, and inhumanity of this prejudice and bigotry

(3) apologizes to members of the LGBT community on behalf of the people of the United States and the church, for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors who suffered under those wrongful prejudices; and

(4) expresses its commitment to rectify the lingering consequences of the misdeeds committed against homosexuals under this bigotry and to stop the occurrence of human rights violations in the future.

i am aware that it is difficult and sometimes wrong to compare slavery and homosexuality. but in this case, i compared the two so as to dream about the possibility of one day having apologies from america and the church for their treatment toward LGBT peeps.