Wednesday, July 30, 2008
thank you all for praying! it happened!
i began talking to my friend about homosexuality and i finally felt the Lord gently pushing me to tell her. so i did! and i broke down and cried about how much healing and freedom i'd found and it was a beautiful moment. so amazing to find another low-risk friend to add to my inner circle of friends who love me and support me, for exactly who God made me to be. wow! i'm still stunned.
but get this:
when i came out to her, she confided in me about her own homosexuality! it was amazing. God was so all over that.
and i was also able to tell her all about me and Hope, which was refreshing. so, all in all, the weekend was amazing and the Lord added another safe, low-risk person to my inner circle of friends! He is so good and so very intentional! it simply couldn't have gone any better!
Friday, July 25, 2008
i know i haven't blogged in forever, but i realized something about myself: i only like to blog when i really have something noteworthy to blog about. so i apologize to those of you who keep asking where i keep disappearing off to. i haven't disappeared! i'm still here more than ever, just busy busy busy with life and such!
but God is good and He is loving on me more than ever. i have never felt this loved and treasured and accepted by Him. it just keeps getting better. life keeps getting more abundant. looking back on this past year of ministry and life, it's amazing to see how God has increased His anointing on my life and ministry. i love to look at the timeline of how things between me and Him really took off when i finally accepted who He made me to be as a gay Christian woman.
well, this weekend i have a friend coming in town and i've been wanting to come out to her for a long time, but the timing never seemed right. well, she's coming to stay with me for several days and i would really love to tell her. she isn't convinced that it's not a sin. but in her words, she's just been waiting to meet a committed Christ-follower who is gay. so, i'm guessing that's me. but i'm nervous because i'm unsure of her reaction. and i dont want it to be awkward since she's staying with me and all :)
so please pray for this situation. pray that God will prepare her heart and that i'll know whether or not to share with her. and if so, when.
i'll keep you all posted about this situation!
one more thing i wanted to share with you:
Hope and i were walking around a school we volunteered at and a young girl, about 16 years old came up to me and said that she didn't know what it was, but she could sense a powerful anointing over me. and she said she could see Christ so evident in me and that she knew God was going to use me in big ways for His kingdom. that was so awesome to hear. and then, she had no idea that Hope and i were together, so she said, "i also notice it about that girl over there in the blue shirt. who is she? because i see that same unique special anointing on her as well." that made me smile! because i knew she was talking about Hope.
i just sat back in amazement at God's continual reaffirmation of who He has created me to be. there's nothing like hearing His soft voice of acceptance. that i am His beloved and that He's crazy about me.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
i am sitting here on my couch smiling from ear to ear. i can't wipe it off my face. i've got a beer looking at me from my coffee table and my sweet puppy is working on a bone. nothing could be more perfect. except for the fact that it just got more perfect. Hope just called and she just told her best friend ALL about us.
now, you might remember that she came out to her several posts ago. but she didn't tell her about us. but tonight was the night and Hope brought the thunder! i just got word that it went great. hope said it couldn't have gone more perfect.
Hope's best friend is an amazing woman of God who loves her and i have gotten to know her and she's an incredible person. i've wanted her to know so badly because i knew her reaction would be positive. at first i was afraid hope's bf would be upset with us for not telling her the whole truth: ya know, the part about hope and i being madly in love with one another. but she wasn't upset. she responded perfectly!
we'll call Hope's best friend Sally. that's a good name! sally.
so sally just texted me and here's what she wrote:
"i just want you to know that i know and that i feel ok about it all. i love who you are and i'm just glad its you. i'd love to still talk to you about it all. but for now, thank you for loving my friend so much. now i really can't wait to hang out! have a great evening. we'll talk soon. and by the way, i totally understand why you guys waited to tell me. i'm not upset. i'm sure it'll take me some time to get used to but i want to learn more about it. i need to. but i'm totally feeling cool about this. i love that you love Hope. i'm really happy for you both. i really think God has been preparing my heart for these conversations."
i think i just peed in my pants! that's how exciting this all is. not only does sally know that hope is gay and now she knows that i am gay and now sally knows about me and hope's LOVE for one another based on Christ! and yes, it was quite a long text. but such great texts! wow. i'm still dumbfounded by it all. i had no idea this would all happen tonite but i'm so thankful it did. and the most amazing part is that hope and i have been praying for MONTHS that God would prepare sally's heart. and HE most obviously did! yet another affirmation and confirmation to His preparation of our new life.
side note, while Hope was telling her best friend about her one true love, i had the privilege (insert sarcasm here) of looking through my sister's wedding album while my mom hunched over my shoulder at the table and asked me when i would find a husband. oh that someday mom would shine over my wedding album like she did tonight over my sister's! i'm not holding my breath. but i guess stranger things have happened. like the whole parting the red sea thing.
next step: telling my parents that Hope is moving in. and then... giving them the much anticipated letter of all letters.
here's to hope's boldness and sally's tender, gentle, and loving response!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
this website was huge in my entry into the thought that being gay and a christian didn't haven't to be a contradiction. but i hadn't visited the site since i started writing my parents the "i'm gay " letter about 3 months ago or so.
but for some reason tonite, i was drawn back to this amazing resource. and i'm not sure who is in charge, but i want to say thank you to them. i love the site and i love the resources. in fact, things i've read on sisterfriends-together.org have helped me tremendously as i continue writing this letter to my parents.
it's so helpful to know i'm not alone. it's so helpful to know there are hundreds, thousands of people out there just like me. i am so encouraged tonight by what i read. if you haven't checked out their website, it's time!
by the way, some of you have been asking and the letter writing is coming along well. there's just so much i wanna say and i know my parents. they will expect thorough-ness. and that is definitely what they will get. i know you're not gonna believe this, but the letter is already 21 pages long! wow. i know, my poor parents are gonna go blind before they can even decide how they feel about the news.
the bright side is, however, that i'm almost done. i think i've almost said all i need to say.
so, i'm feeling good about the progression of things. i hope to give them the letter before christmas. not around christmas, because that would be horrible timing. but ya know, like november-ish. we'll see. God's timing is way better so i'm relying on Him. i sure wish He'd do that whole burning bush thing.
as most of you know, i call my beloved Hope. just a reminder in case you were confused :)
Hope has been living with me for 6 months now but basically in secret. my parents love the fact that i live alone and they probably wouldn't be excited about the idea of me getting a roommate. but i'm ready to tell them, because i just don't like hiding a bunch of stuff from them.
and i'd rather tell them that Hope is moving in officially and then give them the "i'm gay" letter, than the other way around. because if i give them the letter and then i tell them she's moving in, they're going to dislike that even more. so i'm trying to figure out the timeline of all this, while also surrendering to the Lord's perfect timing.
but basically, i want to tell my parents that she is moving in. they will think it's just because she's a great friend and i want a roommate to help with the expenses of my home. and i want her to move in officially by august. so i'm thinking i'll need to tell them late july, if not sooner. only problem, they're totally gonna give me crap for it. because they know that i "struggle" and they'll probably think this new roommate will make me "stumble." so they'll be against it, but i will press on.
i'm just nervous. i know everything is about to really go down. i'm ready and not ready all at the same time. but i would like to tell them she's moving in and have her move in. then i would like to give them the letter around november or december. that means that my parents will know i'm walking in freedom living as a gay christian and they will also know i'm in love with someone. so they'll probably have a problem with the fact that i've living with my lover. i would have a problem with that too. the only difference is this: if we could get married, we would. i never wanted to live with my lover. i always wanted to get married then live together. but i don't really see any other option in this situation.
she is the one for me. there is no doubt in either of our minds about that. so in my mind and hers, we are basically married, we just can't officially and legally get married... YET. but hopefully the Lord will open a door soon (aka-free plane ticket to california) that would be pretty sweet. but until then, me and Hope are enjoying a beautiful life together but i'm ready to include my parents in this part of my life.
last night i cried because i was so scared. i cried with Hope and i told her i was so afraid of hurting my dad. that is my number 1 concern: hurting my dad. i know my mom will be upset but i'm not as worried about her. i'm desperately scared to tell dad because i know it will hurt him and disappoint him so deeply. but it needs to be done and it's time.
i'm blogging today to solicit your prayers. the time is coming. Hope is even thinking about telling her parents soon. but again, they will have to keep it completely secret because if this gets out, my job would be in jeopardy. it's getting to be an even scarier road. but i'm trying to take it one day at a time.
i so badly want our families to be happy with our relationship. but i know it's going to take time. i was walking alone in a field yesterday just talking to Jesus and pleading with Him that He would prepare my parents hearts and that they would be just as excited for me and Hope as they are for my siblings and their heterosexual marriages.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
so, what do ya think? i just finally got tired of the really dark scary looking closet picture so i tried to find something a little more bright. thus, the smily face.
let me know if you like it or if it's too obnoxious.
something interesting that happened to me last week: one of my christian friends started ripping on the new hit radio song "i kissed a girl" - i've only heard it like twice but apparently the lyrics say "i kissed a girl and i liked it" - it's sung by a girl.
she was appauled and thought it was the worst song ever. disgusting in fact. what is the world coming to?
funny how i've never heard her comment on the hip hop songs she loves that tear down women by calling them bit&*#s and hoes. is there supposed to be an "E" in that last word? hmmm....
anyway, just a thought.
as she was tearing this song apart, i was thinking, "wow. i definitely kissed a girl and i definitely liked it. in fact, i'm going to marry the girl of my dreams one day, and i'm really gonna love kissing her everyday! morning breath and all!"