Saturday, June 28, 2008

Go flair yourself

remember the movie "office space"? such a good movie. if you've seen it, you know about "flair." it's that stuff jennifer aniston had to wear at the restaurant she worked at. so i was looking all over the internet and found some pretty interesting flair that i would definitely wear if i wasn't still in the closet. please excuse the random mood i'm in! but i think you'll like this flair too. 

Thursday, June 26, 2008

i'm putting my john hancock on it

just saw this and wanted to share. i found it via God's politics - jim wallis' website. 

sign it if you want. i sure did.

bloom where you're planted, if you can stand it

hello faithful readers :)

i have had several comments from you all wondering where the heck i've been! great question! don't worry. i'm still here, still loving Jesus, and still very gay.

actually, i feel more "here" than ever, i love Jesus more than ever, and i'm gayer than ever. isn't life beautiful?

i have been entrenched in work, in a good way. i did want to blog, however, about how a couple of weeks ago my mom dropped by to pay me a visit but i wasn't home. somehow she got inside my house and then called me to tell me about it. my heart sank. i remembered that i'd just ordered a bunch of books online and they were sitting all around my house. 

in the office, i had "gay children, straight parents: a plan for family healing" sitting on the floor - when i thought of her face and reaction to finding this book, my heart fell out of my butt. in the junk basket, which i knew she would look through, i had "stranger at the gate - being gay and Christian in america" and also "jonathan loved david: a look at homosexuality in biblical times."

wow. i totally thought i'd been outed by my obsession with ordering books dealing with LGBT issues. 

but turns out mom didn't find anything. she didn't even realize that Hope is living with me. my mother still thinks i live alone with my goldfish. mommy dearest would not enjoy finding those books and finding all of Hope's stuff in my home. 

huge sign of relief. i knew my mother would act strange if she'd found anything. but she was completely normal and so was my dad. i am so thankful they didn't find out that way. i am still working on the letter. it's already like 16 pages. and i just can't stop writing. i have so much to say!

three more fundamentalist right wing religious nut sightings: 

i was attending a conference and the speaker had the audacity to say the following:

"homosexuals are the kids who were messed with when they were little. every single person who is gay was sexually abused in their childhood. gays who say they're not, just don't remember correctly. they have stuffed the incident. but it happened and that's what makes them gay. and once they reconcile that incident in counseling, they can be freed from their abominable sin."

i am waving the BS flag right here as i sit at my computer and retype that crapola. is anyone else irate over that horrendous and erroneous statement? 

unbelievable. i haven't heard this one before. but i had to sit and listen to this bulls***. it was so offensive. it offended a friend of mine who was sexually abused. and it offended me because i am gay and i know for a fact i wasn't "messed with" - which by the way is a horrible term to use. and this man supposedly had a counseling degree. bull bull bull. i couldn't believe it. it literally made me nauseous. 

instance #2 - i was talking with a pastor who said that some kids in his church think they're gay but he says, they're not gay, they're just really confused and really bored and so to pass the time in the small town, they are kissing people of the same sex. seriously?

instance #3 - i was talking with another man in ministry this past week who said that "the gays" - as he termed us - were the sole contributor of the downfall of our society. he said that it is the last step of degradation before God wipes us all out. wow. interesting how God has done nothing but bless and encourage and affirm me ever since i accepted my identity as a gay Christian woman. 

and i have to live and breathe and operate in this environment. you might ask why? why don't i just get out? well, i honestly feel called to minister within the place where God has called me to. bloom where you're planted, i suppose. even when the soil is rock hard and full of hate. i guess God is big enough to achieve growth even out of that. 

Friday, June 13, 2008

an update... finally!

Gay Double Date Update!

sorry friends to take so long to blog about this! the days after the double date were crazy and I’ve been out of town all this week! but lo and behold, here are some updates:

my first gay double date was amazing. I really haven’t found words yet to describe it. me and Hope had a blast with one of my old friends from high school and her partner. we cooked out and laughed and talked and caught up. the most incredible part, though, was getting to be free with my affection toward Hope. at first, it was awkward because we’ve never been able to love on each other in public or in front of anyone, because our relationship is in the closet, for necessary reasons. but after a while, it became more natural and comfortable. I found myself flirting with Hope and it was ok! I was able to hold on to her hand and tell her things I would normally only tell her when we are alone. now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like PDA central, it was sweet and appropriate and perfect.

I held her at dinner, I was able to stare at her without having to worry about who might notice, and I was able to proudly call her my beloved. to show affection to the woman I was created for, opened up a whole new door of freedom for me personally and relationally. it felt so right and so natural, that by the end of the night I consciously had to stop interacting with Hope so much because we were definitely close to crossing the line of good ol’ public displays of affection. but can you blame me? I mean really. it was my very very very first time ever that I was able to act like a lesbian in front of anyone. plus, I got to love on my future wife in front of one of my best friends! the double date was a match made in heaven, to say the very least.

being “out” for one night in the presence of safe, low-risk people, was exhilarating. it actually grew my love for Hope. I caught a glimpse of what real-world out lesbians must feel like. how awesome must it be to love on your partner without any fear or worry of what other people are thinking or saying.

now I’m so much more aware of same-sex couples in public, even though I don’t see many where I live – conservative right wing fundamentalist capital of America basically. but yesterday, I saw two women hugging on each other and being really sweet, and then I realized it was a mother and daughter. crap. I thought I had found another couple!

side note: yesterday, I sat down with an old pastor friend and some how we got on the topic of homosexuality. he said the usual, “homosexuality is causing the degradation of our society as we know it. may God have mercy on our souls” type crapola that I used to believe too. what was amazing is that it didn’t make me upset like it usually does. I was simply challenged to pray that his eyes, along with the eyes of most conservative Christians, would be opened and they would be freed from their ignorance. his arguments against homosexuality couldn’t have been more flawed. he really had no idea what he was talking about. yet he talked with such confidence. even quoting good ol’ Dobson articles. barf. but it made me realize that we have such a long way to go. which draws me to my knees in day-by-day and moment by moment surrender to the ever so capable and sufficient God who is sovereign over all things.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

two posts in one day? this must be good...

oh trust me, this is good.

things are rolling folks. i can't even begin to explain it, but God is doing such a work in my life. He is bringing people in my life who are going to walk with me on this journey. this very very difficult journey into deep uncharted waters. 

just when i thought God couldn't give me any more safe low-risk people to come out to, HE DID!

a girl i used to mentor for about a year (we'll call her samantha) called me to have coffee yesterday. and coffee we had, among other things. we had an amazing conversation about how we are on similar journeys of experiencing God totally busting out of the box we've put Him in. she's completely straight and married, but is completely opening her mind to new ways to look at Truth. she is learning a ton in grad school about homosexuality, specifically. so she brought it up, and i couldn't have been happier. she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "i don't find any scripture opposing homosexuality. therefore, i dont think its a sin."

well hell yeah!

i couldn't believe my ears. here was another one of my close friends telling me that God had revealed to her that homosexuality actually isn't a sin! i was floored. i tried to hide my excitement and shock and i simply told her how God had changed my mind too. i told her i didn't think it was a sin either. 

i wanted so badly to come out to her, but i knew it wasn't the right timing. so we just kept talking about homosexuality and christianity and the Bible and such. it was such a refreshing conversation. i'm still on a high from it. she totally gets it. and i couldn't be more thankful to God for revealing His truth to her.

when i left her house, i called her and immediately scheduled a second coffee date so we could finish our conversation. so this friday, yes THIS friday, she's coming over and i'm going to tell her about me being gay. i'm totally nervous, but i know it's the right thing to do and the right timing. she is safe and low-risk and she is on my same page and will love me through this. it's almost like God is building up my team, my family, my community who will stick by my side when many others leave me. 

so, two big things coming up friends! gay double date night tonight, and coming out to samantha on friday! AHHH!!! needless to say, this is a crucial time in my life. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little scared. amidst the underlying Jesus-inspired peace, i am a little scared. actually, on the inside i probably look like this girl:

first gay double date!

last wednesday, i went to coffee with one of my best friends from high school (we'll call her ashley) who i hadn't seen in many many years. i was so excited because we were so close in high school, but i was also nervous because i hadn't talked to her in forever and had no idea what had been going on in her life. 

in high school, we both confided in each other that we "struggled" with same sex attraction. we resolved to pray harder and be better christians and maybe God would heal us of our sin. obviously, if you've read any of my other blogs, you know now where i stand with this issue! i no longer believe homosexuality is a sin, but i wasn't sure where ashley would stand on the issue. 

so we met for coffee and right off the bat, the topic gets brought up. without even hesitating one second, she began telling me about how God had revealed His truth to her, how she was happier than she'd ever been, and she beamed with true, God-given joy. i'd never seen her so happy. when i asked her why, she said that she was finally free. she was no longer living under condemnation. after talking for a bit, i realized that we were almost in the same boat! we both had been on a year long journey of God revealing His heart for us gay gals!

it was the most amazing time. we had a blast. but it was so refreshing to hear her heart. she is still so close to the Lord, i could see it in her eyes. and she is also a lesbian, committed to one partner. she got to tell me all about her new girlfriend, who she's been seeing for almost a year now. much like me and Hope! this conversation with ashley was yet another huge confirmation from the Lord that i'm walking in the center of His will.

so i felt safe to start telling her about me and my journey. i'm pretty sure she was surprised, because the last time we had talked about our "struggles" i was adamant about continuing to "fight my natural desires" because i thought somehow God wanted me to do that. but everything has changed and i couldn't wait to tell her! i told her ALL about what i'd been going through, where i've come from, what i've been learning and i told her i no longer thought it was a sin either. i love being able to say that to people i trust. actually at one point, just for fun, i said "ya, i'm a flaming lesbian." i'd never said that before, but dang it felt good.

we laughed and laughed and expressed limitless joy about how abundant our new free lives were! it was amazing.

then she asked me if i had someone, and i couldn't hold it in. remember, at this point i have told NO ONE, no one, about Hope. not one person knows about us. but i felt ashley was safe. so i asked Hope if i could tell her, and then i told ashley everything. it felt so good to get that out. so not only was i coming out to another person, but i was finally talking about the most important human relationship in my life, my committed love relationship with Hope. i told ashley with confidence, "i'm going to marry her." i was beaming. i couldn't wipe the smile off my face. she was so excited for me. but also, it was scary telling someone something i'd never told anyone else.

then ashley was like, "i can't wait to meet her." well, Hope happened to be at my house, so we went over there and it was hilarious! so awkward at first, but so awesome to have them meet. my Beloved was nervous of course because this was the first person to know about us and Hope didn't even know her. but the more we all talked, the more natural it felt and the more free we were all able to be. 

i couldn't believe i was standing in my kitchen talking to one of my best friends from high school who was now finally living the life she longed for, and she was talking to my future wife who is living the life she's always longed for, and they were talking to me, and i'm living the life i've always longed for! it was beautiful.

guess what's happening tonight? ashley invited Hope and i over for a gay double date night! her girlfriend is cooking! i'm nervous but oh so excited! my first official gay double date! i'll be sure to let you all know how it goes.