Saturday, April 18, 2009

the shit has hit the fan, but it's OK!

not sure if anyone still reads this blog or not, but alas, i decided to blog.

it's been months, but better late than never. the reason i haven't blogged in so long is because everything in my life has drastically changed since hope told her parents everything. her parents told people who told people.

i was outed on all fronts by one of hope's family members.

i lost my job and my reputation is headed out the window, in some circles.

the good news: i still have my faith. it is completely intact. actually it is stronger. i've never needed Jesus more than i do now in this period in my life. i have a newfound freedom of not having to hide anymore. though i'm still not ready to completely come out in every aspect of the word.

i won't be blogging much anymore. i will start my journey of trying to be an out gay christian who still has a heart for ministry. i'll just have to start applying to open and affirming churches. i know they're out there.

God is still on His throne. this didn't surprise Him. He is good. just as good as He was before things fell apart. in fact, He is already working good out of this situation. i have a new hope. a new passion. i want to be used by God to bring hope to gay christians just like me who think they can't be gay and also be a christian.

i am living proof that the two can co-exist. Jesus is drawing close to me than ever before. i have a peace underneath it all. it is truly well with my soul, i can honestly say that.

hope and i are doing well, staying strong depsite it all. therapy does wonders.

no one and nothing can take me away from where God wants to take me so He can use me for His glory.

thanks to all of you who pray for me and read this blog. i am doing ok. it's just a major time of transition right now. but i will get through it. and God will bring me out on the other side, ready to use me in a capacity that only He can imagine right now.

pray He will show me the way into His heart.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

hope came out to her parents

So... hope finally came out to her parents. we thought it was going to be tough, but nothing could've prepared us for what happened.

the first night when she told her parents went extremely well. her parents were shocked, but had nothing but love and acceptance. They even invited me into the house and we even all had dinner together. They acted like no big deal...

By the next morning the shock was starting to wear off.

turns out that everything they did on sunday was out of shock. they were trying to do the right thing. but on monday and tuesday everything changed. hope's mom was livid. she called her yesterday and yelled at her for about an hour. crying, screaming. i heard everything and it was horrible. she said the meanest things. things she'll regret her whole life, but things she'll never be able to take back. things like: "all your life has been a lie. you're a fraud. everything i thought i knew has been wiped out. i no longer know my daughter. i love you but i DO NOT accept you. i love (insert my name here) but i DO NOT like even the thought of yall together. God created marriage between one man and one woman. this is horrible... " what's sad is that i know there are people out there who will read this post and agree with her mom. please don't email me or comment. i've had a hard enough week as it is.

on and on and on it went. i could go into further details like when she told hope that she shouldn't be a mother and then she used some sorry excuse about a kid who is acting up. turns out his mom is gay. so she doesn't think we should even think about children. she went off. and kept going. the words sunk deep and cut hope and i down to the core. she questioned everything. she completely devastated both of us. she cut her daughter to where it hurts most: being a mom and being with me. and being a liar. and she cut me to the core, as she invalidated my entire ministry and everything i've worked for. how i'm following God. it hurt like nothing has ever hurt before. she hates that we're lying. guess what? i hate it even more! i hate lying. i hate not being able to tell the world about who i really am. but i'm not doing it to deceive people. i wish she understood that.

i have no choice in the matter. if i told people the truth about me being gay, i would lose everything. i would lose my ministry. the ministry that i am confident God has called me to. the ministry i've worked so hard for. i would lose literally everything that God has called me to. i can't do that. nor do i feel comfortable doing that.

hope's mom compared our situation to that minister who was hiding the homosexual affair on his wife. ouch. that cut deep. that man was cheating on his wife! i am in a committed relationship with the woman i believe God created for me. how is that the same? i am so upset. so hurt. i know the lying killed hope's mom but seriously we dont have a choice. there is no way to let the cat out of the bag. it would destroy everything. i've been waiting on God's timing for when He wants me to come out to the world, especially the christian world. but they're not ready. i'm not ready. people in today's christian culture simply do not understand, because they're so convinced being gay is a sin. though they've never studied the topic in its entirety looking at all sides of the coin!

to our surprise, turns out hope's mom does think its a sin. keep in mind that she has NEVER studied the Bible. not once. so she's totally going on culture. we didn't expect this because her mom has always been so loving and accepting of everyone. but her true colors shined through. i'm pretty sure her mom hates my guts. which sucks because she used to love me like her own daughter. but now all she sees is a fraud. a sinner. an abomination.

she is more angry than i ever thought possible and she is completely shutting us out and shutting down. wants nothing to do with either of us. the good news is, she's going to see a therapist. maybe this is God using this situation to get her some healing and help.

heck! this is all so hard that i'm going back to counseling! me and hope both. so that we can find comfort in how hard this road is going to be.

we are crushed though. barely able to function. dont know what to do. yesterday we laid in bed for almost two hours just crying and greiving. the road we are on is an impossible one. i knew it would be hard, but i never imagined ANY of this. especially not from hope's parents who seemed to be so cool with everything the first night. so the prayer is that one day they will return to that. go through the necessary stages of grief and move on. even if it takes years. but the damage has been done. i will never forget the hateful things that were said about me, to hope and about both of us and mostly about my ministry. i just wish she would try and understand where we're coming from. how we don't have a choice in telling the christian world about our relationship. she can't see clearly now. who knows if she ever will.

i know grieving has stages, and anger being one of them. but wow, i never saw this coming.

devastation is the only word i can think of to describe what's going on. and its killing both of us. need prayer now more than ever. will keep you all posted. no pun intended.

so through all this, we are relying on what we do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt. somehow God is in control. He will work this together for our good and His glory. He loves us. and He has called me into ministry and thus will protect it (i hope)