Wednesday, January 28, 2009

hope came out to her parents

So... hope finally came out to her parents. we thought it was going to be tough, but nothing could've prepared us for what happened.

the first night when she told her parents went extremely well. her parents were shocked, but had nothing but love and acceptance. They even invited me into the house and we even all had dinner together. They acted like no big deal...

By the next morning the shock was starting to wear off.

turns out that everything they did on sunday was out of shock. they were trying to do the right thing. but on monday and tuesday everything changed. hope's mom was livid. she called her yesterday and yelled at her for about an hour. crying, screaming. i heard everything and it was horrible. she said the meanest things. things she'll regret her whole life, but things she'll never be able to take back. things like: "all your life has been a lie. you're a fraud. everything i thought i knew has been wiped out. i no longer know my daughter. i love you but i DO NOT accept you. i love (insert my name here) but i DO NOT like even the thought of yall together. God created marriage between one man and one woman. this is horrible... " what's sad is that i know there are people out there who will read this post and agree with her mom. please don't email me or comment. i've had a hard enough week as it is.

on and on and on it went. i could go into further details like when she told hope that she shouldn't be a mother and then she used some sorry excuse about a kid who is acting up. turns out his mom is gay. so she doesn't think we should even think about children. she went off. and kept going. the words sunk deep and cut hope and i down to the core. she questioned everything. she completely devastated both of us. she cut her daughter to where it hurts most: being a mom and being with me. and being a liar. and she cut me to the core, as she invalidated my entire ministry and everything i've worked for. how i'm following God. it hurt like nothing has ever hurt before. she hates that we're lying. guess what? i hate it even more! i hate lying. i hate not being able to tell the world about who i really am. but i'm not doing it to deceive people. i wish she understood that.

i have no choice in the matter. if i told people the truth about me being gay, i would lose everything. i would lose my ministry. the ministry that i am confident God has called me to. the ministry i've worked so hard for. i would lose literally everything that God has called me to. i can't do that. nor do i feel comfortable doing that.

hope's mom compared our situation to that minister who was hiding the homosexual affair on his wife. ouch. that cut deep. that man was cheating on his wife! i am in a committed relationship with the woman i believe God created for me. how is that the same? i am so upset. so hurt. i know the lying killed hope's mom but seriously we dont have a choice. there is no way to let the cat out of the bag. it would destroy everything. i've been waiting on God's timing for when He wants me to come out to the world, especially the christian world. but they're not ready. i'm not ready. people in today's christian culture simply do not understand, because they're so convinced being gay is a sin. though they've never studied the topic in its entirety looking at all sides of the coin!

to our surprise, turns out hope's mom does think its a sin. keep in mind that she has NEVER studied the Bible. not once. so she's totally going on culture. we didn't expect this because her mom has always been so loving and accepting of everyone. but her true colors shined through. i'm pretty sure her mom hates my guts. which sucks because she used to love me like her own daughter. but now all she sees is a fraud. a sinner. an abomination.

she is more angry than i ever thought possible and she is completely shutting us out and shutting down. wants nothing to do with either of us. the good news is, she's going to see a therapist. maybe this is God using this situation to get her some healing and help.

heck! this is all so hard that i'm going back to counseling! me and hope both. so that we can find comfort in how hard this road is going to be.

we are crushed though. barely able to function. dont know what to do. yesterday we laid in bed for almost two hours just crying and greiving. the road we are on is an impossible one. i knew it would be hard, but i never imagined ANY of this. especially not from hope's parents who seemed to be so cool with everything the first night. so the prayer is that one day they will return to that. go through the necessary stages of grief and move on. even if it takes years. but the damage has been done. i will never forget the hateful things that were said about me, to hope and about both of us and mostly about my ministry. i just wish she would try and understand where we're coming from. how we don't have a choice in telling the christian world about our relationship. she can't see clearly now. who knows if she ever will.

i know grieving has stages, and anger being one of them. but wow, i never saw this coming.

devastation is the only word i can think of to describe what's going on. and its killing both of us. need prayer now more than ever. will keep you all posted. no pun intended.

so through all this, we are relying on what we do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt. somehow God is in control. He will work this together for our good and His glory. He loves us. and He has called me into ministry and thus will protect it (i hope)


Rick Brentlinger said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the hurtful words you've experienced. Know that many gays and lesbians have been there, done that and we survived because God is faithful. Its painful now but you will emerge from this, spiritually stronger and better able to minister to those who hurt.

A few observations.

1. Hope's Mom spoke from her fear, her hurt, her lack of knowledge.

Don't take to heart anything mean she said. All of us say mean, hurtful things from time to time, things which we don't really mean but which reveal our inner hurt and pain.

2. Honesty is always the best policy. Perhaps God has a hospital chaplaincy job for you where you can help hurting people as an out minister. Or perhaps there is a gay or gay affirming church where you can minister instead of one where you feel you must remain closeted.

There is a good possibility that if and when your church finds out you're gay, some of them will be disappointed and feel you deceived them. Given the Ted Haggard scandal, such feelings are understandable. To forestall that happening, perhaps your goal for 2009 should be to pray and work toward finding a job in ministry where you can be out.

3. Genesis 2:24 teaches us that in forming a marriage partnership like you've formed, both partners leave father and mother.

This implies that your primary allegiance now is to each other as committed partners.

Use this hurtful experience to learn how to strengthen each other, support each other, encourage each other spiritually and emotionally. Allow the shameful things she said to make both of you better and don't allow hurtful words to make you bitter.

Apply the lesson of forgiveness and employ scriptural wisdom if and when you interact with Hope's Mom again.

"A soft answer turns away wrath."

Don't respond in kind when you are verbally attacked. Walk away if necessary but don't respond in anger.

Your loving Christian spirit may eventually win over Hope's Mom to your cause. It may take a few years but the odds are she will eventually come around.

4. Our Christian ancestors were persecuted, tortured, killed for their faith yet they served God faithfully and used difficulties as stepping stones to greater spiritual usefulness.

Stay in the Bible - keep reading, praying, studying and believing. Keep praising God, even through tears. God will get you through this in ways you cannot even imagine right now.

You are loved with an everlasting love by the God who created the Universe. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Rest in Him and watch Him work in this painful situation.

Praying for all of you.

Your brother in Christ,

Rick Brentlinger

Hidden in Christ said...

rick, i am literally speechless. i just read your comment with hope right beside me. her mom's attacks have intensified so it was refreshing to read this just now. thank you thank you thank you. i needed to hear everything you wrote. you wrote words that were clearly inspired by God. i'm so humbled that you would even take the time to read my little blog and comment. wow rick, you are a true brother in Christ.

i am going to keep trusting God. what else can i do? where else can i go besides the throne of my loving Father?

i know things will get better in time. its the waiting room that kills me. but i will keep hoping, keep trusting, continue praying and reading God's love story to me through His Word.

He is good and His love endures forever through all things. i believe that. it's just really hard right now.

if you think about it, please pray for me and hope. but most importantly, hope's mom. she is in so much pain right now.

even told hope today "you might as well be dead to me."

Stephanie said...

Hey you. Been thinking of y'all. Wondering how things are going now.

Blessings to you, Stephanie

Adam Steevens said...

Maybe a little late here, but I hope things have improved since this incident. Please stay strong, both of you, and know that above all, Christ loves you as the people he made you to be deeply!