Thursday, December 25, 2008

yes, it's been a while

i can't believe its been over 3 months since my last post. i know only a handful of people read my blog anyway, but i'm still sorry to have taken such a long break. i have a million excuses, but the truth is, i haven't really known what to say.

until now.

its christmas night and i can't believe i'm on my computer blogging. that wasn't the original plan. in fact, i've been in bed for a solid hour. crying and stressing out. i'm not one to cry. nor am i one to stress. but tonight it all came pouring out.

you see, i've been spending alot of time with my parents over the holidays. just me and them. and i've been loving it. i've got the most amazingly close relationship with my dad. he's my hero. my best friend. well, he's everything to me, to be honest. we've had such an incredible time.

it's becoming more and more difficult to not fully be myself with them. they don't know i've embraced my identity as a gay female. they know i love Jesus. they know i love them. and heck, they even know i "struggle" with homosexual tendencies. but they have no idea that God has been rocking my world these past few years. they have no clue that i've embraced who i really am, and i'm living the true abundant life. 

tonight my heart is heavy. i feel the weight of the world on my chest. i am crying hard. not just tears, but tears gushing filled with anxiety and stress and downright fear.

i am so scared. and i didn't want to write any of this out, because it almost makes it more real. and honestly, i stopped writing for a while because i was so sick of the people who kept emailing me and commenting, trying to persuade me that i'd been lied to and decieved. i know what i know. and i know what i know in my heart and deep within my spirit. so i guess these 3 months of silence have been good, but i can't hold it in any longer.

so please if you're reading this and you're thinking i'm crazy to think i can be gay and a Christian, i ask you from one Christian to another, please dont comment or email me. i'm going through a hard enough time as it is, trying to wrestle with when to tell my parents about who their daughter really is.

part of me wants to shut my computer down and tell them tonight. get it over with. why delay the inevitable? why drag on the fascade any more than i already have? why keep on lying to their faces? i can barely look my dad in the eye anymore. my best friend. i can barely look at him because i've never been dishonest with him before.

the other side of me wants to keep hidden. stay in hiding where the waters are "smooth" and where i dont rock the boat. but the boat will be rocked sooner or later. and the time is coming. i am so terrified. i'm full of fear.

the main two things i'm scared of:

1. angering my mom
2. disappointing my dad

mom will be totally pissed, no doubt. she'll react in complete and utter rage and anger. that's not the part i'm scared of. she can yell, she can argue and do anything. that really wont phase me. what's really going to kill me, and i mean in that deep place that few have access to, is when i see my dad's eyes. when i see his disappointment. when i see his fear. when i see his grief over the loss of his little girl's dream. how will i survive? will i be ok? he will always wonder how this is all going to work out.

i know eventually it will work out. being a Christian for 20 plus years has taught me a thing or two about the sovereignty of God. i know He'll work it all out, for my good and His glory. i know He'll work it out with my parents. i know He's preparing their hearts as i type this.

but i'm scared. i can't sleep. the anxiety is growing. the time is drawing near. the 22 page letter i've been working on for the past year is about ready to be released into the living room of my parents. they will be destroyed. and i do not exaggerate. they are the right of the right wing. they are more fundamental than the fundamentalists. they are conservative before conservative was cool for christians. thank God dad is the most loving and understanding man i've ever known. if it wasn't for him, i would have very little hope.

so what now? when? i keep pleading with God to show me. i keep begging for a miracle. but it's not going to be easy. and there's no right time. it's a lose/lose situation. either way, someone will be hurt. the boat will be more than rocked. and the once smooth waters will flood.

my hurricane is coming.

this has brought me so much closer to Jesus. my knees are soar. i haven't prayed this hard in a while. if only Jesus would write it in the clouds for me. i've begged for signs. and then i feel silly afterward. but i really do wish i knew the "when" of it all. thank God i know the "Who." where would i be without that?

so for those of you who are reading this (both of you :) i would appreciate any advice or encouraging words. my life is about to drastically change and i'm just flat out not ready. but i'll never be ready.

how is NOW not the right time? it's gotta be the right time to do the right thing? is dishonesty ever right? my eyes are blurring. tears tears and more tears. my heart is breaking because i know i'm going to severely break my parents hearts. and we've gotten so much closer lately, but for what? are they close to the real me? 

i was stirring something today for the christmas meal, and i couldn't help but look at the 6 place settings at the dining room table. one for me, my parents, my sister and brother in law. and there's an open spot. for my Beloved, Hope. someday she will sit there. i am begging for a miracle. someday i'll get to be with my girl for the holidays. being away from her has been terribly difficult. impossible, really. 

the God who lives inside me is in the business of splitting seas and saving lost souls. He can roll stones away and endure the cross. He can make nothing out of something and cause dead things to become alive. He cheated death and He gave me life. i know He can do this. i haven't the faintest clue how, but i know He can do this. so it all comes down to trust. once again.

Jesus, help me trust You. please. i am groveling and begging.

and then i feel you pick up my chin, gently. you want me to lay at your feet and simply be. help me to be loved.

oh God, i need You now more than ever. 


ymp said...

The good news is that God loves you. The bad news is that the good news doesn't make life easier.

Joan K said...

As someone who struggled with telling my mother and finally did I can sympathize with you. It is a very scary place to be in. I have no wise words for you but I can promise to pray for you and add a prayer I've found comfort in:

All shall
be well,
and all shall
be well,
and all manner
of thing
shall be well.

dame julian of norwich - 14th century - mystic

Wishing you His peace


KJ said...

A few thoughts:

1. The sign, and hope, is written on your heart.

2. When I came out in an evangelical church setting, I too thought of hurricanes, but was surprised to find that I was in the "eye". So though great angst was flying around me, including church meetings about me (!), I was in a place of peace, and other than family, NO ONE was contacting me.

3. I have seen with my parents, and the parents of friends and acquaintances, that a "grieving cycle" is a part of the process, as they see a "death" of what they hoped to be true for their child. Unfortunately, this meant showing up for the "anger" part, but because of the peace I had been given, even that was endurable, and passed.

4. The true secret from your parents is not really your sexuality. As interesting as that is, it is not who you are. However, your Beloved is most certainly now a part of who you are and is the real part of you that is not yet known.

Peace of Christ

Anonymous said...

I hope all goes well for you and that you can find the peace we all search for in this life. Some things bring us peace, some things bring nothing but pain. It is hard to know the one from the other, but the answers are out there.

Kate said...

Hey you --

It's good to hear from you again -- I'll admit I've been worried. And here it is almost a month since you've posted and I just now saw. Life's been busy on my end, too.

I guess all I can say is hang in there, and God will take care of you. _And_ your parents. They love you, and love always wins out in the end.

Be well, and keep us updated when you can handle it, okay?

Anonymous said...

HI! Just know that god is with you. I will be praying for you. I have been struggling with who I am for many years. I am christian but have know I am lesbian. The thing is I have never dated a woman and never have even been on a date with a woman. I find that strange because I've always been totally honest and upfront with everyone. This is totally diffent. I don't have family {foster care} but do have really close friends who are very conservative, pro-bush and anti-gay everything. Even vegetariasm! If you ever want to chat, I would love to chat. I'm still struggling with this. I wish you well and I will put you in my prayers. AJ from Missoula, MT

Anonymous said...

I sympathize with you. Myself have been struggling with being a lesbian for many years. I don't have family and have been on my own for many years. I do struggle with my close friends who are very conservative and are very anti-gay. I haven't been in a relationship in three years because of my struggle in finding out who I am. I have never dated a woman nor have I been on a date with a woman. It's very difficult for me. I understand your feelings. I have been a christian for a few years. I will pray for you.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you!
I just want to say that I picture Jesus not allowing you to beg and grovel but picking you up lovingly by your hand and saying to you "my sweet child, I am already here helping you and cherishing your 'mustard seed' faith!" I hope that it has been less of a hurricane than you expected!