Hope has been living with me for 6 months now but basically in secret. my parents love the fact that i live alone and they probably wouldn't be excited about the idea of me getting a roommate. but i'm ready to tell them, because i just don't like hiding a bunch of stuff from them.
and i'd rather tell them that Hope is moving in officially and then give them the "i'm gay" letter, than the other way around. because if i give them the letter and then i tell them she's moving in, they're going to dislike that even more. so i'm trying to figure out the timeline of all this, while also surrendering to the Lord's perfect timing.
but basically, i want to tell my parents that she is moving in. they will think it's just because she's a great friend and i want a roommate to help with the expenses of my home. and i want her to move in officially by august. so i'm thinking i'll need to tell them late july, if not sooner. only problem, they're totally gonna give me crap for it. because they know that i "struggle" and they'll probably think this new roommate will make me "stumble." so they'll be against it, but i will press on.
i'm just nervous. i know everything is about to really go down. i'm ready and not ready all at the same time. but i would like to tell them she's moving in and have her move in. then i would like to give them the letter around november or december. that means that my parents will know i'm walking in freedom living as a gay christian and they will also know i'm in love with someone. so they'll probably have a problem with the fact that i've living with my lover. i would have a problem with that too. the only difference is this: if we could get married, we would. i never wanted to live with my lover. i always wanted to get married then live together. but i don't really see any other option in this situation.
she is the one for me. there is no doubt in either of our minds about that. so in my mind and hers, we are basically married, we just can't officially and legally get married... YET. but hopefully the Lord will open a door soon (aka-free plane ticket to california) that would be pretty sweet. but until then, me and Hope are enjoying a beautiful life together but i'm ready to include my parents in this part of my life.
last night i cried because i was so scared. i cried with Hope and i told her i was so afraid of hurting my dad. that is my number 1 concern: hurting my dad. i know my mom will be upset but i'm not as worried about her. i'm desperately scared to tell dad because i know it will hurt him and disappoint him so deeply. but it needs to be done and it's time.
i'm blogging today to solicit your prayers. the time is coming. Hope is even thinking about telling her parents soon. but again, they will have to keep it completely secret because if this gets out, my job would be in jeopardy. it's getting to be an even scarier road. but i'm trying to take it one day at a time.
i so badly want our families to be happy with our relationship. but i know it's going to take time. i was walking alone in a field yesterday just talking to Jesus and pleading with Him that He would prepare my parents hearts and that they would be just as excited for me and Hope as they are for my siblings and their heterosexual marriages.
2 comments:
Sounds like there is excitement and anxiety all at the same time.
I understand the fear with your Dad. That was my HUGE fear I had when I told my Mom (the first time I came out).
My prayers are with you my friend. Someone awesome just recently reminded me of a great scripture that I found most encouraging and oh so true.......
"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." isaiah 43:19
Take it one moment at a time my friend.
I would repeat Stephanie's words. It's scary, because it's scary, and comes with great risk. Yet there's the blessing that full authenticity brings.
It is easy to forget that when our parents are not immediately excited for us is that up to that moment, we've been on the journey without them, and there's a whole lot of "catching up" to do. That can be very frustrating when we're feeling so blessed, and then those that we love are feeling so angst-ridden. Patience.
One thing to keep in mind is the challenge that you are presenting to both sets of your parents, if they must keep this information to themselves(And of course, they may be just as happy keeping it to themselves!). They will be "secret bearers", and this could be quite a burden if they need to talk to others about it. I hope that they have resources upon which they can rely, even it it's just a listening ear.
As always, you have my prayers for peace and joy in the journey.
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