a starbucks outing... literally

girls and boys, i am on a roll. the Lord keeps giving me that feeling. you know the one, the one that rises up in you and makes you feel peaceful enough to come out to someone who you trust. maybe you dont know the feeling, but i've become well aware of it. its a scary feeling, because i know i'm about to share with someone something very deep and personal. but its a great feeling because i know in that moment the Lord is Sovereign and leading me to share my story.

so today at starbucks, i met with an old friend who came back into my life after many years. about 10 years ago she asked me to sing at her holy union ceremony with her soon-to-be wife. in my ignorance, i was clearly convinced that being gay was a sin. so i told her absolutely NOT. never would i be caught dead singing at your unholy union.

my heart still cringes at those words i remember saying. such pain i must have caused.

well, when God started changing my mind and heart about the issue of homosexuality, i started thinking of all the bridges i'd burned with people like my friend. so i resolved to find every gay person i had hurt and make amends. it was difficult because i'd lost touch with many of them

so i searched and searched specifically for the info on the gal i had coffee with today. i couldn't find her email anywhere. so i prayed and prayed that God would either make me remember her email address or some way in which i could get in touch with her.

nothing for many many months. and it was eating at me. i really wanted to make things right.

finally, i surrendered. i gave up. i told God that He would have to drop her info in my lap because i couldn't find it anywhere.

3 days after that, she actually emailed me! after 8 years of not talking. she emailed me! isn't God awesome?

so i email her back immediately and tell her the God story. how i had tried to find her info. and how i gave up and then she emailed me. and i went on and on about how wrong i'd been and how sorry i was and i think i asked for her forgiveness like a gazillion times. of course she was gracious in her response, understanding my ignorance.

which isn't bliss, at all.

so we ended up talking more after that, seeing each other a couple times, and then we had coffee today. and i had a feeling she would be the 9th person on my safe, low-risk list of people i can tell that i'm gay. and lo and behold, she was. 

the funny thing is, she had asked me a week prior in an email if i was questioning whether or not i was gay. apparently my questions had led her to believe i was searching. but at this point i wasn't ready to come out to her yet. so i truthfully and simply replied, no, i'm not questioning. all the while in my head thinking, well, i'm not. there's no questioning, wink. i'm absolutely without a doubt gay.

so today my lead-in to my outing at starbucks (pun intended) was, "hey remember when you asked me if i was questioning? well, i'm not questioning. there's no question. i'm gay."

she almost spit out her double tall iced caramel 2 pumps macadamia nut over complicated with whip and a monkey playing a banjo macchiatto. it was awesome. i love surprising people. because i have tried to hard to perfect the art of putting up a front so that i am able to stay in ministry. i was glad she was astonished.

we had a wonderful talk after that. i shared with her my fears and my heart and my pain over the tension between being gay and being in full-time ministry surrounded by christians who are homophobic. its very hard. and many readers who haven't read my past posts say, "then just get out of ministry. or get into new ministry. just come out with it." 

oh wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy. the problem is, i cant. i feel called into the exact ministry in which God has me for such a time as this. and until He shows me another road, i'm staying right where He's planted me. someday He will resolved the tension. but for now, i keep walking by faith with the word as my lamp and the Lion of Judah panting beside me.