yes, it's been a while

i can't believe its been over 3 months since my last post. i know only a handful of people read my blog anyway, but i'm still sorry to have taken such a long break. i have a million excuses, but the truth is, i haven't really known what to say.

until now.

its christmas night and i can't believe i'm on my computer blogging. that wasn't the original plan. in fact, i've been in bed for a solid hour. crying and stressing out. i'm not one to cry. nor am i one to stress. but tonight it all came pouring out.

you see, i've been spending alot of time with my parents over the holidays. just me and them. and i've been loving it. i've got the most amazingly close relationship with my dad. he's my hero. my best friend. well, he's everything to me, to be honest. we've had such an incredible time.

it's becoming more and more difficult to not fully be myself with them. they don't know i've embraced my identity as a gay female. they know i love Jesus. they know i love them. and heck, they even know i "struggle" with homosexual tendencies. but they have no idea that God has been rocking my world these past few years. they have no clue that i've embraced who i really am, and i'm living the true abundant life. 

tonight my heart is heavy. i feel the weight of the world on my chest. i am crying hard. not just tears, but tears gushing filled with anxiety and stress and downright fear.

i am so scared. and i didn't want to write any of this out, because it almost makes it more real. and honestly, i stopped writing for a while because i was so sick of the people who kept emailing me and commenting, trying to persuade me that i'd been lied to and decieved. i know what i know. and i know what i know in my heart and deep within my spirit. so i guess these 3 months of silence have been good, but i can't hold it in any longer.

so please if you're reading this and you're thinking i'm crazy to think i can be gay and a Christian, i ask you from one Christian to another, please dont comment or email me. i'm going through a hard enough time as it is, trying to wrestle with when to tell my parents about who their daughter really is.

part of me wants to shut my computer down and tell them tonight. get it over with. why delay the inevitable? why drag on the fascade any more than i already have? why keep on lying to their faces? i can barely look my dad in the eye anymore. my best friend. i can barely look at him because i've never been dishonest with him before.

the other side of me wants to keep hidden. stay in hiding where the waters are "smooth" and where i dont rock the boat. but the boat will be rocked sooner or later. and the time is coming. i am so terrified. i'm full of fear.

the main two things i'm scared of:

1. angering my mom

2. disappointing my dad

mom will be totally pissed, no doubt. she'll react in complete and utter rage and anger. that's not the part i'm scared of. she can yell, she can argue and do anything. that really wont phase me. what's really going to kill me, and i mean in that deep place that few have access to, is when i see my dad's eyes. when i see his disappointment. when i see his fear. when i see his grief over the loss of his little girl's dream. how will i survive? will i be ok? he will always wonder how this is all going to work out.

i know eventually it will work out. being a Christian for 20 plus years has taught me a thing or two about the sovereignty of God. i know He'll work it all out, for my good and His glory. i know He'll work it out with my parents. i know He's preparing their hearts as i type this.

but i'm scared. i can't sleep. the anxiety is growing. the time is drawing near. the 22 page letter i've been working on for the past year is about ready to be released into the living room of my parents. they will be destroyed. and i do not exaggerate. they are the right of the right wing. they are more fundamental than the fundamentalists. they are conservative before conservative was cool for christians. thank God dad is the most loving and understanding man i've ever known. if it wasn't for him, i would have very little hope.

so what now? when? i keep pleading with God to show me. i keep begging for a miracle. but it's not going to be easy. and there's no right time. it's a lose/lose situation. either way, someone will be hurt. the boat will be more than rocked. and the once smooth waters will flood.

my hurricane is coming.

this has brought me so much closer to Jesus. my knees are soar. i haven't prayed this hard in a while. if only Jesus would write it in the clouds for me. i've begged for signs. and then i feel silly afterward. but i really do wish i knew the "when" of it all. thank God i know the "Who." where would i be without that?

so for those of you who are reading this (both of you :) i would appreciate any advice or encouraging words. my life is about to drastically change and i'm just flat out not ready. but i'll never be ready.

how is NOW not the right time? it's gotta be the right time to do the right thing? is dishonesty ever right? my eyes are blurring. tears tears and more tears. my heart is breaking because i know i'm going to severely break my parents hearts. and we've gotten so much closer lately, but for what? are they close to the real me? 

i was stirring something today for the christmas meal, and i couldn't help but look at the 6 place settings at the dining room table. one for me, my parents, my sister and brother in law. and there's an open spot. for my Beloved, Hope. someday she will sit there. i am begging for a miracle. someday i'll get to be with my girl for the holidays. being away from her has been terribly difficult. impossible, really. 

the God who lives inside me is in the business of splitting seas and saving lost souls. He can roll stones away and endure the cross. He can make nothing out of something and cause dead things to become alive. He cheated death and He gave me life. i know He can do this. i haven't the faintest clue how, but i know He can do this. so it all comes down to trust. once again.

Jesus, help me trust You. please. i am groveling and begging.

and then i feel you pick up my chin, gently. you want me to lay at your feet and simply be. help me to be loved.

oh God, i need You now more than ever. 

watch the Lamb

i've been watching the Lamb and He has changed my life.

i always loved that song by ray boltz. and now... i love ray boltz even more.

he said, when coming out publicly recently, "This is what it really comes down to... If this is the way God made me, then this is the way I'm going to live. It's not like God made me this way and He'll send me to hell if I am who He created me to be... I really feel closer to God because I no longer hate myself."

amen. i'm hoping someday i can be as bold and brave as he was. 

read the whole article HERE 

thoughts from an ex "ex"

i loved this testimony from a guy who realized how hurtful and ridiculous "ex-gay" ministries are.

if you're interested, read it HERE.

yet another story line

i'm realizing that most people blog about really inspiring things. most people talk about more than their own lives. i love to read many people's blogs who talk about real life and real experiences. and i realized that i dont so much do that. i more talk about my personal journey. selfish? yes, kind of. but also, i've realized this is like my online journal of sorts.

so, i apologize to those of you who read this and get bored with my rantings about my experience learning to live as a gay christian in full time ministry. but to those of you who enjoy seeing God's hand in all this, thank you for reading! i enjoy keeping you in the loop. because this is quite a journey.

today i had coffee with a safe, low-risk amazing friend who i came out to about a month ago. but i've been wanting to tell her the whole story: my relationship with Hope. so today, yes at starbucks again, i told her all about Hope. it was amazing. she responded so well and was genuinely excited that i had found true love. she wanted to know all the details. and at the end even said: "omigosh, i feel like i need to get you a wedding present!" it was so beautiful. she was so supportive and definitely wants to come to our wedding ceremony, whenever we have one in the future. 

gotta love starbucks. i can't seem to keep secrets there.

it was so refreshing to finally get to talk about Hope like i've always wanted to. i've wanted to shout it from a mountain how i'm in love with the most beautifully created woman in the entire world! i want to praise God outloud for His provision and His grace. 

this road is hard, but i love that i know i'm not alone. God is there so close. closer than ever. and also, i've got about 9 people who now know about me and some of those people know about me and Hope. how freeing!

just had to share... 

soulforce goodness

LOVED this article.

click here for some amazing insight from mel white.

a starbucks outing... literally

girls and boys, i am on a roll. the Lord keeps giving me that feeling. you know the one, the one that rises up in you and makes you feel peaceful enough to come out to someone who you trust. maybe you dont know the feeling, but i've become well aware of it. its a scary feeling, because i know i'm about to share with someone something very deep and personal. but its a great feeling because i know in that moment the Lord is Sovereign and leading me to share my story.

so today at starbucks, i met with an old friend who came back into my life after many years. about 10 years ago she asked me to sing at her holy union ceremony with her soon-to-be wife. in my ignorance, i was clearly convinced that being gay was a sin. so i told her absolutely NOT. never would i be caught dead singing at your unholy union.

my heart still cringes at those words i remember saying. such pain i must have caused.

well, when God started changing my mind and heart about the issue of homosexuality, i started thinking of all the bridges i'd burned with people like my friend. so i resolved to find every gay person i had hurt and make amends. it was difficult because i'd lost touch with many of them

so i searched and searched specifically for the info on the gal i had coffee with today. i couldn't find her email anywhere. so i prayed and prayed that God would either make me remember her email address or some way in which i could get in touch with her.

nothing for many many months. and it was eating at me. i really wanted to make things right.

finally, i surrendered. i gave up. i told God that He would have to drop her info in my lap because i couldn't find it anywhere.

3 days after that, she actually emailed me! after 8 years of not talking. she emailed me! isn't God awesome?

so i email her back immediately and tell her the God story. how i had tried to find her info. and how i gave up and then she emailed me. and i went on and on about how wrong i'd been and how sorry i was and i think i asked for her forgiveness like a gazillion times. of course she was gracious in her response, understanding my ignorance.

which isn't bliss, at all.

so we ended up talking more after that, seeing each other a couple times, and then we had coffee today. and i had a feeling she would be the 9th person on my safe, low-risk list of people i can tell that i'm gay. and lo and behold, she was. 

the funny thing is, she had asked me a week prior in an email if i was questioning whether or not i was gay. apparently my questions had led her to believe i was searching. but at this point i wasn't ready to come out to her yet. so i truthfully and simply replied, no, i'm not questioning. all the while in my head thinking, well, i'm not. there's no questioning, wink. i'm absolutely without a doubt gay.

so today my lead-in to my outing at starbucks (pun intended) was, "hey remember when you asked me if i was questioning? well, i'm not questioning. there's no question. i'm gay."

she almost spit out her double tall iced caramel 2 pumps macadamia nut over complicated with whip and a monkey playing a banjo macchiatto. it was awesome. i love surprising people. because i have tried to hard to perfect the art of putting up a front so that i am able to stay in ministry. i was glad she was astonished.

we had a wonderful talk after that. i shared with her my fears and my heart and my pain over the tension between being gay and being in full-time ministry surrounded by christians who are homophobic. its very hard. and many readers who haven't read my past posts say, "then just get out of ministry. or get into new ministry. just come out with it." 

oh wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy. the problem is, i cant. i feel called into the exact ministry in which God has me for such a time as this. and until He shows me another road, i'm staying right where He's planted me. someday He will resolved the tension. but for now, i keep walking by faith with the word as my lamp and the Lion of Judah panting beside me.

i love my friends

my best friend, who i told last week about my relationship with Hope, you remember the one? well, she has come a long way. the Lord has used my situation to challenge her to reflect on what she thinks about homosexuality. it has been beautiful to watch her grow.

so yesterday we're talking on the phone, and supposedly she got into a conversation with a black and white fundamentalist anti-gay christian. the girl said things about how clear it was that being gay is a sin.

my best friend stood up for me and all those christians in the LGBT community. it was amazing. she said to this girl, "i totally disagree." and the girl kept on going and going and again, she said "nope, i disagree. i dont think homosexuality is a sin."

one life changed. so many more to go! but there is hope!

plus, this past week, the Lord opened up a door for me to come out to another person! she's a really good friend i have in ministry and i felt comfortable enough and trusted her enough to tell her. she responded so well. actually, it was yet another one of those, "i'm gay too" coming out sessions. it was truly amazing. God keeps blowing me away with the number of gay christians He's bringing in my path.

the number of friends who are excited about attending my wedding someday off in the far far future is growing!