First official post: Opening the can & painting the backdrop

where do i even begin? how does one even start a post about such a sensitive issue? i guess i'll start simply by being real.

before i can share with you the increasingly tough tension between being in full-time Christian ministry and also being a gay Christian woman who is still in the closet, so to speak, i should give you some background. how did i end up here blogging about something so controversial and personal?

i was born and raised in a very traditional, straight-laced Christian home in New England with two loving strong Christian parents. you could say i had the all-american family. i had exactly what the world sees as normal and happy. my family life was quite enjoyable. i always had everything i needed, yet i was never spoiled.  the denomination i grew up in preached a legalistic gospel focused on not sinning more than it focused on loving Jesus and others. 

i remember from a very young age feeling more of a liking towards girls. i was always one of the guys, but i was always attracted to girls. i was heavily into sports and could more identify with the boys in my life. but i just thought that was because i had a brother. i remember my first encounter with a girl was in elementary school. without going into detail, we experimented and i enjoyed it. but i explained it away as pretending and didn't think much of it. then again i found myself attracted to girls in middle school and high school, though i had boyfriends during these years. 

i was one of the popular girls. always had a boyfriend, good at sports, good in school, like-able, moral, and very involved in my youth group. no one would've ever thought i was occasionally attracted to certain girls. but i was. and i continued explaining it away, ignoring it, and just hoping it would go away. i fell for my best friend at our christian school in high school, and still told myself that was an isolated incident. little did i know, but i had chosen to forget the interactions with girls in elementary school and the crushes in middle school.

after high school, through a variety of different circumstances and conversations with people much wiser than me, i began to realize that i struggled with same-sex attraction. thus began my battle through prayer begging God to change me. i couldn't live with this sin and He had to remove it. but i kept going back to Paul's thorn and just kept trusting that His grace would be sufficient for me. 

in college, being aware of my struggle, i had to cut off many Godly friendships that had turned bad for me, because i developed an attraction for my female friends. it was horrible. i would get close to a girl and we would become great friends, and then i would develop feelings for her and i would have to cut it off in order to remain "in the will of God." i use quotes for very specific reasons, as you will see later. talk about awkward! having to tell a friend of yours that you struggle with same-sex attraction and that you're attracted to her and so in order to be obedient, you must stop the friendship because the temptation was just too great. 

long story short: all throughout my college days at UNC, i dated numerous guys, though all the while i had feelings for many of my friends that were girls. i would force relationships with guys, knowing this was God's will. i was convinced homosexuality was a sin, therefore i would not permit myself to even toy with the idea of acting on my desires. i thought if i found the right guy, i would be cured. and if i prayed hard enough and cried enough tears, that soon God would deliver me. after all, why would He want me to be miserable?

things only got worse. i continued to have feelings for more and more girls. i continued to struggle and pray and wrestle with why i was like this? what it because of my rocky relationship with my mom or was i born like this? is it nature or nurture or both? i didn't really have any answers. all i knew was that i desperately found myself attracted to only women. but i could always play it off, because i don't look like i would be attracted to women. meaning, i dont fit the mold of a lesbian. though i'm learning there is no mold. but most christians see gay girls as being manly, for whatever reason. and i'm extremely girly and guys find me attractive. i say this not to sound prideful, but just to paint a picture of where i've been. so i was able to play it off good. i would beat myself up over and over again for my feelings and attractions for women. i was living a complete life of shame. 

wow this blog is long. i apologize to the two of you who might read this! but really, let's do a side note here, how do people find blogs? i have no idea. i wonder if anyone will ever find or read my blog. oh well, it doesn't matter either way, because i created this blog to get out what's inside my head and heart. and if i can help someone in the process, well then glory to God! 

ok, back to where i was...

i had everyone fooled. on the outside, i put up a front like i was strong and had it all together. while inside i was in turmoil over my guilt over struggling with same sex attraction. i decided early on that i liked that term better than homosexuality because it was more comfortable. i was uncomfortable with admitting i struggled with homosexuality because in my baptist church, the H word was likened to a cuss word. 

i eventually met a girl who pursued me relentlessly. i was weak and couldn't resist it any longer. i gave into my desires and we had a make-out session, basically. nothing more and nothing less. but it was the first time i'd kissed a woman, for real. it was the most natural thing i'd ever felt. i felt more in that one small kiss than i did with any man i'd ever kissed. i felt more in this situation for her than i did for my long term boyfriend, ever!  it was a wonderful weekend and i enjoyed giving into my temptation for once. i'd fought it for so long, and it felt good to finally let myself go. 

but only for a weekend. on sunday i went to the Bible and reviewed the passages on homosexuality. the ones about how it is a sin. i just read the words though, i didn't bother studying the original language or any of that stuff. so i resolved to begin battling again. the relationship was severed and i rarely ever spoke to that girl again. i told her it couldn't work because i couldn't live in sin. she was more of a lust-adventure anyway, so it really wasn't hard to call it quits. 

after that, i was broken and more dependent on God than ever before. i told one person about my weekend blunder, asked for forgiveness and kept living my life. oh, might i add that at this time i was already in full time christian ministry at a church. yes, i was sharing the gospel and singing about Him while kissing girls behind closed doors, living in sin. or so i thought...  

i continued on in ministry, and continued denying myself of its most natural desire. this became harder and harder.

a couple of years later i met another girl through a mutual friend. it began as a harmless friendship and then several months later turned into a relationship. i would say this was my first official same-sex relationship. due to the guilt and shame, however, i had to break it off. but i was more frustrated than ever. i just figured nothing would change. i would always be attracted to women, but it's always going to be a sin so i guess i'll just have to deal with it. i resolved to simply be a good christian girl who didn't act on her natural desires for women. i tried dating some more guys, but nothing ever clicked. 

then, at the height of my "obedience" to the Lord in this area, i met her. we'll call her Hope. and thus began the transformation of everything that i had known to be true for the past 2o or so years. little did i know, but meeting her would change everything. meeting her truly gave me hope. talk about hope for change (as is a popular topic among political candidates) this was hope for change at its best! 

i think that's enough for now. in my next blog i will tell you all about the journey that Hope and I found ourselves on. i'll tell you how everything changed and how within a year i had finally accepted my true identity. it's been a long, tough road full of doubts, but i can tell you that as i sit here and type away at this blog, i can tell you that i am now 100% positive that homosexuality is not a sin at all. of course, i'll explain more later. but i want to spare you, as this blog is way too long already! 

but to give you a teaser, i'm in love. i'm so in love with God, more than i ever have been. i've been crazy in love with Hope for almost a year now. She is the woman i was created to be with for my whole life. the Lord has revealed to me what He does and does not say in His Word about the issue of homosexuality. i have poured over scripture and commentary and arguments on both sides of this debate. at the end of the day, it's all about what i feel the Holy Spirit revealing to me. some may think i'm deceived. that's ok, because i did too, at one point. but i'm realizing that the true ones who have been deceived by the great deceiver are the fundamentalist Christians (i am a recovering one, thank God) who are using scripture out of context to attack homosexuals. this is the issue satan is using right now to tear down the body of Christ. and its working. and now that i've seen the light, i am going to try my hardest to find some way to fight against the lies of the enemy concerning this issue.

wow. so much more to share, but i really should stop. will write again soon, i assure you. even if no one ever reads this blog, i will continue writing. how healing it is! and how freeing to be able to talk about it! 

bottom line: i am a bible believing, bible reading, follower and lover of Jesus Christ, the One true God and i am gay. but because i'm in full-time ministry on staff as a worship pastor, i have to keep this to myself for now. maybe forever. who knows.