i just couldn't keep this to myself...

i just received the most encouraging email from a friend, in response to a comment i got from someone who was confused as to why i'm hiding my sexual orientation from the christian community in which i do ministry. the email was just too good to keep to myself, so here is the email: i hope it encourages you as much as it is encourages me in my "coming out" process.

Dear Hidden,

First, a person in ministry is obligated to their community to help to keep the focus of that ministry on God (and not the minister her/himself) whenever possible. There are a million ways for this to go awry, and this "hot button" issue is one of the easiest. Assuming (and there's no guarantee) that you get to KEEP the job leading the successful ministry, after revealing this information. Still, it's virtually guaranteed to get in the way of ministry until it's an issue that the church-as-a-whole can see from a healthier angle.

Second, your safety is definitely an issue here. You stand to risk a job (and possibly a career) in which you are happy and successful...your income, your community, your friends, your family...and the risk is based on a characteristic over which you do not have control. This is not something to do lightly. I absolutely agree that "out" is preferable--healthier for you and everyone else. The truth is almost always the right answer. (And if you have a problem with the word "almost," consider the position of Miep Gies, hiding the Frank family from the Nazis. She lied to protect them. This is different only in the level of certainty of physical harm; there will certainly be pain on many fronts following the Big Reveal.) However, that isn't something to do quickly, unadvisedly, or without substantial preparation. Safety is an issue here, and that comes first. Having it happen in a compassionate, stable and healthy way is also crucial. God has called you to do that ministry, in that place. God knew what he was getting, and will help you to continue living out his purpose--whether or not that purpose is clear to the questioner...or even to you. :-)

Coming out is sometimes years-long a process, in which you lay the foundation (brick by brick) to live out in the world. If you don't have that support in place first, it will be damaging to you and to those you care about. Prudence and hypocrisy are two different things. It took me about five years of preparation to be fully "out" in every aspect of my life, and I don't regret a single day of that preparation. I didn't ask to be gay (and spent about 20 years fruitlessly trying NOT to be). I didn't choose to be in a position to jeopardize everything I care about, and I'm betting you didn't, either. These are the cards I was dealt. I had to grow into the ability to live honestly, and my community had to grow into the ability to accept it. Rome was not built in a day.

Also, there's a way in which this isn't a fair question. It's a little bit like growing up in the projects and getting the "I'm a self-made man" speech from someone who grew up in a home with two loving, not-overworked parents, adequate food, solid education,etc. "I did it; so can you poor people!" Well, maybe, but don't you DARE think it's the same thing. Some people are born on third base; some are born on first. It doesn't mean they can't both get to home plate, but the person born on first sure has to work harder for it.

Finally...you have to find the peace within yourself to do this courageously and compassionately, in your own way and your own timing. Relationship with God, prayer, grace, patience, and perseverance will be necessary. I'm a firm believer that God lives in the gaps between us, and will help us to bridge them when we're ready.

Peace, girl.