i might have found someone to come out to!!!

i have been praying for quite a long time now that God would send me a low-risk friend who could potentially be someone i feel safe with enough to come out to.

keep in mind, i have not come out to ANYONE! but you faithful readers, of course. but as of now, only me, God and my Hope knows about my sexual identity. i have not told anyone else! and this was hard for me because i so badly want to tell someone. 

so this past weekend i had an amazing opportunity to spend some quality time with a new friend of mine. she is awesomely open-minded and loving. we had many conversations throughout the weekend, but one conversation was especially appropriate. we got on the topic of homosexuality. she asked me my views and i told her i didn't think it was a sin. of course i told her why i thought that and i told her my journey of coming to that realization. i felt so comfortable with her and that's why i felt safe telling her my true views on homosexuality. she's really the only person besides Hope who knows my views on the issue. i have to be careful because if it got out that i think its ok, i would get into some trouble. 

i live in extreme conservatism. surrounded by fundamentalism.

so i haven't even been able to tell anyone my true beliefs on homosexuality, much less that i am gay! but this weekend i was finally able to get that off my chest. 

she responded with intrigue and interest. she listened to what i had to say. of course i was trying to be smooth, so as not to let on that i'm actually gay. she responded fabulously. and then she started to tell me her stance on the issue. she still isn't sure whether or not it is a sin. she gets stuck on romans 1. so we dialogued about all kinds of different things that i have been learning and she is extremely sensitive and kind, especially about committed monogamous same sex relationships. 

because i saw that she was safe and low-risk and open minded, i realized that soon she might be the first person i officially come out to. and i couldn't be more excited about it!

i encouraged her to read "what God has joined together?" - the book i've blogged about several times. and i encouraged her to watch "for the Bible tells me so." she has already ordered the book. and plans on watching the movie.

so i look forward to seeing what God does here. but all i know is that i'm extremely encouraged. God basically dropped this girl in my path and i'm realizing that she is the perfect first person to potentially come out to. she will keep the secret. and love me regardless of what she believes about homosexuality. i cannot wait to tell her about the real me! 

i plan on hanging out with her again in several months, so that just might be the time i decide to tell her. of course i'll wait til i feel a peace about sharing. but i'm pretty sure she's my "person". hope is so excited too!

God is good! He is so good to not leave us alone. and He loves when we're in community. and He has already begun building my future safe community, even if that process seems slow to me. i am so thankful for this new friend of mine who i might actually be able to confide in.

i just couldn't keep this to myself...

i just received the most encouraging email from a friend, in response to a comment i got from someone who was confused as to why i'm hiding my sexual orientation from the christian community in which i do ministry. the email was just too good to keep to myself, so here is the email: i hope it encourages you as much as it is encourages me in my "coming out" process.

Dear Hidden,

First, a person in ministry is obligated to their community to help to keep the focus of that ministry on God (and not the minister her/himself) whenever possible. There are a million ways for this to go awry, and this "hot button" issue is one of the easiest. Assuming (and there's no guarantee) that you get to KEEP the job leading the successful ministry, after revealing this information. Still, it's virtually guaranteed to get in the way of ministry until it's an issue that the church-as-a-whole can see from a healthier angle.

Second, your safety is definitely an issue here. You stand to risk a job (and possibly a career) in which you are happy and successful...your income, your community, your friends, your family...and the risk is based on a characteristic over which you do not have control. This is not something to do lightly. I absolutely agree that "out" is preferable--healthier for you and everyone else. The truth is almost always the right answer. (And if you have a problem with the word "almost," consider the position of Miep Gies, hiding the Frank family from the Nazis. She lied to protect them. This is different only in the level of certainty of physical harm; there will certainly be pain on many fronts following the Big Reveal.) However, that isn't something to do quickly, unadvisedly, or without substantial preparation. Safety is an issue here, and that comes first. Having it happen in a compassionate, stable and healthy way is also crucial. God has called you to do that ministry, in that place. God knew what he was getting, and will help you to continue living out his purpose--whether or not that purpose is clear to the questioner...or even to you. :-)

Coming out is sometimes years-long a process, in which you lay the foundation (brick by brick) to live out in the world. If you don't have that support in place first, it will be damaging to you and to those you care about. Prudence and hypocrisy are two different things. It took me about five years of preparation to be fully "out" in every aspect of my life, and I don't regret a single day of that preparation. I didn't ask to be gay (and spent about 20 years fruitlessly trying NOT to be). I didn't choose to be in a position to jeopardize everything I care about, and I'm betting you didn't, either. These are the cards I was dealt. I had to grow into the ability to live honestly, and my community had to grow into the ability to accept it. Rome was not built in a day.

Also, there's a way in which this isn't a fair question. It's a little bit like growing up in the projects and getting the "I'm a self-made man" speech from someone who grew up in a home with two loving, not-overworked parents, adequate food, solid education,etc. "I did it; so can you poor people!" Well, maybe, but don't you DARE think it's the same thing. Some people are born on third base; some are born on first. It doesn't mean they can't both get to home plate, but the person born on first sure has to work harder for it.

Finally...you have to find the peace within yourself to do this courageously and compassionately, in your own way and your own timing. Relationship with God, prayer, grace, patience, and perseverance will be necessary. I'm a firm believer that God lives in the gaps between us, and will help us to bridge them when we're ready.

Peace, girl.

deep in my heart

i just received an email from a concerned and confused blog reader. the email reads:

_______

Hey there.

Just curious. If you're comfortable with being gay then why you hidin' it? Is it because deep in your heart you know it's wrong?

I'm a little confused.

_______

i completely understand why you would be confused. and maybe some other readers are confused, as well. i explained this early on in my blogs, but instead of just telling you to go back and read all my blogs, i will explain it anew here in blog land.

yes, i am extremely comfortable with being gay. actually, comfortable might not be the right word. i have embraced and accepted it yes. but it's hard to get too comfortable when i live in such a hostile world toward members of the GLTB community. it's difficult to be comfortable with my sexual orientation when i live in a christian community that thinks gay people are doomed to hell. and it's uncomfortable not to be able to tell my family and friends whom i love dearly. but God never really called us to be comfortable, so i'm not really that worried about it.

in response to your question "why you hidin' it?" i give you this:

trust me, if i didn't have to hide it, i wouldn't. i would love to shout it from the roof tops! i wish i could go on tv and tell everyone that i'm gay. i wish i could be the poster child for a person who actually loves Jesus more than anything and who also happens to be gay. i wish i could tell my closest friends and beloved family. but i can't. and no, it's not because "deep in my heart i know it's wrong." quite the contrary.

i've never been more sure of anything, besides my salvation and calling into full-time ministry. i am extremely confident with who i am deep in my heart. deep in my heart, i find Christ seated on His throne. by His kindness and grace, i have set Him apart as Christ the Lord in my heart. deep in my heart i find nothing but peace and God's sovereignty. deep in my heart i find the Lord smiling on me, living through me, and working His power in me.

the reason i have to hide it is this:

if i didn't hide it right now, i would lose everything. and call me a coward or whatever you want to call me, but i'm not prepared for that right now. if i came out, i would lose my job. my church would ask me to leave. it would destroy a ministry i know i'm called to. it would ruin my relationship with my family and most of my friends. it would end what i'm doing right now. and i know that what i'm doing right now is exactly what God has called me to do: spread the gospel and lead worship. therefore, until He makes another way for me, i must remain hidden. i know this won't make sense to you, and that's ok. i'm not expecting to change your mind about homosexuality. but i did think that i owed you and whoever else reads this, an answer.

i don't know yet how to balance my ministry and my sexual orientation. i don't know how or when i will tell people who i really am. if i start stressing out about that, i lose my joy and peace. so i am trying to take each day at a time. i am consistently surrendering to the Lord, relying on Him to get me through the day-to-day. i am throwing myself on His grace while laying my burdens and anxieties about the future down at His feet.

God will show me when it is safe to come out from hiding. but right now, it's not the right timing. for me, keeping my sexual orientation private is how i'm able to continue on in ministry and continue making ends meet without completely destroying my community. and yes, i know God will provide when eventually i do come out... but i'm not rushing into anything. His timing is perfect so i will wait.

thanks to those of you who have written me such sweet notes of encouragement in this process. thank you for reminding me to be patient with myself and to not be so hard on myself. and thank you for reminding me that it's ok to protect my calling at this time. thanks to those of you who edify me with you words of wisdom and perseverance. and thanks, even, to those of you who post combative/homophobic things to me. because even in that, i seek the Lord and His affirmation or conviction.

He is good. He is sovereign. and He will keep me in the center of His will. where we get tripped up is when we judge others and act like we know everything. that's what happens when God is small and man is big. but the truth of the matter is, it's all about God. He is not small, He never has been. He is God, the I AM and He is sovereign and big enough to speak to me, and i praise Him that He does!

i am hidden in Christ. i am hidden from others. but the important thing is, at the end of the day, i am a child of God. and He is pleased with me. His pleasure, grace, and love toward me are not based on what some people might think of me or the issue of homosexuality, and that is refreshing. when all is said and done, it comes down to who we are before God.

broken and needy, Lord i am Yours. Abba Father, i love you. thank You for first loving me and for never changing Your love toward me.

oh no! the gay ring

i was sitting at lunch with several Christian friends today and one of my friend's phones started ringing. it was a song i'd never heard before. but a guy friend of mine sitting next to me commented on how that was a guy singing about another guy. it was a love song apparently. he was petrified and immediately informed my friend that she had a gay ring.

she was equally mortified and seemed disgusted at the very thought of her cell phone being contaminated with a "gay ring." oh my gosh, call the authorities! everybody run for cover! quick, throw the cell phone into the pitcher of water at the table!

seriously though, every single person at the table started making jokes and freaking out. the poor girl who owned the phone was devastated. she immediately handed the phone to my guy friend and said, "fix it! i can't have a gay ring tone on my phone! please fix it!"

as if the phone was about to explode or something.

and there i sat, with a smirk on my face but a little twinge of pain in my soul. there we were, a group of christians stressing out about a ring tone from a song that just so happened to be written from a guy to another guy he apparently loved. look how far we've gone...

but again, i sat in silence. i still dont have the guts to speak up against instances like this because i dont want to be attacked like i am sometimes in these blogs. (by the way, anonymous - the negative gay bashing "prophet" one - please stop posting on my blog because i don't read them anymore anyway and i immediately push "reject" when i see your comments. so for everyone's sake, please stop writing because, with all do respect, you're wasting your time. you should start taking advantage of all the time you spend on trying to convince people of your interpretation of scripture, and you should start trusting in God's sovereignty, praying for people who are different from you, and loving them... never underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit in an abiding Christian's life. He is sovereign and you are not.)

ok as i was saying... i was silent but i know someday i'll be more bold. i was just heart broken to see mature christians who truly enjoy loving people, all the sudden fall into the immature tactic of making fun of gay people and painting them in a horrible light. what if, instead of drawing attention to "gay rings" and "gay burritos" (see a previous blog) we actually started loving gay people? i think if Jesus happened to be at the table that day, he might have encouraged us to stop with our fruitless immaturity and start loving people. stop with the trivial. let's start loving and truly living.

Highlights from "What God Has Joined Together" - part 2

if you haven't yet gone and picked up a copy of this book, go go go! it's amazing. see my first posting on highlights from the book and you will hear my praise for this brilliant book. 

more things that stood out to me in this writing:

in response to james dobson's erroneous quote that hundreds of thousands of gays are being "cured" and becoming straight, i give you Clint Trout's account found on p. 76 of "What God Has Joined Together?" :

"Confident and determined to become heterosexual, I began my five years of reparative therapy. My counselor acquainted me with Exodus International.... The cornerstone of their psychotherapy is the theory that people are gay because of a breakdown in the relationship with their same-sex parent... My life was centered on becoming straight. I went to therapy twice a week and group once a week. I read approximately 50 books on the subject. I attended about five conferences on reparative therapy. I had hundreds upon hundreds of prayer sessions, some of which lasted all night. I confessed every fantasy and experience of attraction. I was bathed in holy water and holy oil. I was baptized twice. [Four and a half years later] I was still gay. Though I had never even kissed a man, my longing for both emotional and physical intimacy with one was almost overpowering. Despite all of the prayer, confession and therapy, nothing changed that fact... Of the several hundred people in "ex-gay" ministries I have met, at conferences, groups, and my own fledgling ministry, I never met anyone who had overcome his or her desire to be with people of the same sex."

WOW. i wonder what dr. dobson would say in response to that account. 

i found it interesting that the New York Times posted an article about how james dobson decided to withdraw from the team that was overseeing Ted Haggard's therapy because "the reality is i don't have the time" said dobson. interesting. yeah, of course he doesn't have time, because it would take all the time in the world! if Ted is gay, he's gay. i don't know the guy, but tons of studies show that reparative therapy is fruitless and damaging. 

see the following link comments on this article: www.queerty.com/queer/news/dobson-cant-take-the-heat-20061108.php

ok, enough of that. i can't really get started on mr. dobson because it makes me sad. but also, i can't really judge him because i used to be like that: really dogmatic in my beliefs about the sin of homosexuality. so i'll try to let it go in prayer. and i hope to God that He will reveal to james the error of his beliefs. 

i loved that the author of "What God..." used this verse in talking about changing sexual orientation: "'Can leopards change their spots?' asked the prophet Jeremiah (13:23)'"

nope. this leopard's spots aren't going anywhere. 

i sure tried. i only had 2 years of therapy, but it didn't change me. i read books and listened to talks and ordered resources from exodus. and it just left me feeling guilty, ashamed, and hopeless. i'm sure they have the best intentions, but alot of these "ministries" are hurting alot of people. i think it sets one up for failure. 

you know who changed me? God. He changed my from beating myself up over something i can't control, and He changed me into a woman who has finally embraced who she really is and who God created her to be. and i've never been happier, more fulfilled. this is truly the abundant life. 

moving on... here are more highlights from the book:

one of my favorite chapters in the book was "What the Bible Does and Doesn't Say"

here are a few excerpts i found enlightening:

"The word homosexuality is never used in Scripture. In fact, the word didn't even exist until late in the nineteenth century." - not in the original language! it was a man-made word. interesting. 

not to mention the fact that JESUS CHRIST Himself never said 1 word about it. not one word. He sure did say alot about caring for the poor though. where have we gone wrong? fundamentalist Christians talk til they're blue in the face about how bad homosexuality is, while they let children die in poverty all around them. while people like dobson take some scriptures literally especially concerning what they think the Bible says about homosexuality, they don't take them all literally. i would like to see dobson (with his 500 million dollar per year salary) give everything he has to the poor. that was in the Bible too, ya know. 

i digress...

the authors of this book deal with every single scripture that is used to attack us GLTB folks. and they deal with the verses beautifully. you'll have to buy the book to read it in detail (did i mention it's amazing?), but here are yet some more highlights about what the Bible really says:

the sodom account: (speaking of neglecting the poor)

"Sodom's sins were pride, laziness, and gluttony, while the poor and needy suffered outside her door. She was proud and did loathsome things, so I wiped her out, as you have seen" - Ezek. 16:49-50

hmm... nothing about homosexuality. it was about power and lots of other things, not homosexual intercourse. 

the authors admonish, "We need to be cautious about taking a few carefully selected verses out of context and absolutizing them for all time, unless we're likewise ready to insist that all the other regulations be followed as well." 

they (the authors, who are both straight, married with children by the way) go on to say, "We don't honor the Word of God by insisting on an erroneous translation because it's familiar or fits preconceived notions or prejudices." AMEN!

i could go on and on, but those of you reading this are probably blind from reading all this. i know my blogs can be long, and for that i don't apologize :) that's why i started the blog! to get out what's inside my head and heart. but i will stop here, and tell you that if you want to see more from this brilliant book, go get it! you can buy it cheap on amazon! then, after that, read Rob Bell's "Velvet Elvis" more on that later...

Blessings to you blog readers...

 

the posting battle

recently, my blog has become a battle ground for postings from someone named "anonymous." i have decided to stop posting his/her comments because they have become combative, attack-driven and without love. but i did want to respond to one of the latest comments from anon. here is what he/she wrote after reading a line from my blog which read "i never thought the two could co-exist - christianity and homosexuality - but God tenderly changed my mind":

anon. posted:

"no He didn't honey, your deceitful heart changed your mind. God is very clear that faith in Christ and practicing homosexuality cannot co-exist." then he/she proceeds to quote 1 timothy 1:8-11 and 1 cor. 6:9-11 where the word "homosexuality" is inaccurately used in these verses' mistranslation. he/she goes on to say, "now, you can and i'm sure you do try to argue your way around this, but in both these passages the greek term "arsenokoi" is used to describe homosexual behavior as sin. and as you probably know it is a combination word that literally means "men who bed each other"' so, no, it isn't God who changed your mind, it is your darkened heart."

my intention in today's blog is not to change this person's mind. i know i can't. i love this person even though i dont him/her because i've been in their shoes. i lived 20+ years of my life believing exactly the same way. so i have no hard feelings toward this person or their language of my faith and conviction. i don't mean to argue to be defensive. i know that my words will do little to change anon.'s mind (and my goal is not to change his/her mind). but i do want to educate those of you who might be reading this blog, with something interesting that i found in response to the meaning behind the greek word as referenced to in anon's posting:

i can't copy and paste it all here, so i will just give you the website so that you can go look for yourselves. beware, it's long and informative and sheds some serious light on the true meaning of this greek word. 

http://www.gaychristian101.com/Define-Arsenokoites.html

so like i said, this will be the last time i post any rude anonymous comments because i want my blog to uplift people, not tear them down. we must remember that it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance (not rude blog postings). it's all about His love. i want this to be about love and i know people will disagree with me at times, and i know people will try and change my mind. but only God can. i am thankful for anon's postings because it has challenged me to go back to the cross where i find myself daily. and it has challenged me to ask again for God to convict me if i am living in sin. i am flat out asking for it! and i'm not scared of the answer. God knows how deeply i long to be in His will. so i trust that if i am living in sin, He will show me. i just don't understand why He hasn't shown me that it is sin, when i've asked for conviction for almost 7 months now. not only have i not been convicted one time, but i've actually been affirmed over and over again. and i know people will say i'm deceived and i actually completely understand that argument because i used to tell gay christians that too, when i met them. so i am not judging or arguing at all. i know where they are coming from. but in this blog, i just want to be about Love. and i know that if i let these battles continue, it will never end and Love will not be the outcome. 

i'm in support of only healthy and uplifting Christ-like discussions.  but i must say to anonymous, you have been a good sport. thank you for your input and i know you are simply standing by your beliefs so i can't judge you for that. and i don't judge you. i love you. 

at the end of the day, i just wish we could all love each other regardless of where we stand on issues. after all, they will know we are Christians by our love. no wonder most of the outside world doesn't want anything to do with Christianity. from the outside looking in, it seems like all we do is just fight and bicker and argue all the time, anyway. but i am praying for a new day, when we can love each other regardless of our differences. when we can respect one another's opinions instead of attacking and disparaging people. and when we can rely on God's kindness to lead that person to repentance if indeed repentance is necessary.

Highlights from "What God Has Joined Together" - part 1

i feel like oprah when i say the following statement: i cannot stop talking about this book! well, technically i can't really talk to many people about it because that might give me away. but i can talk about it to you over and over again! if you still haven't ordered or bought the book, you totally should. it's called What God Has Joined Together? the Christian case for gay marriage, by david myers and letha dawson scanzoni. weird name, awesome writer. i used to have a lisp and i had a friend named lisa and i said her name "letha" so i feel right at home :)

anyway, i want to start blogging about my favorite parts of the book. today will be part 1.

first, the book touched on an issue i'm very passionate about: authenticity

the writers refer to an exchange between the velveteer rabbit and the skin horse. "When someone 'love you for a long, long time' explained the wise old skin horse to the velveteen rabbit, "not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the skin horse.

"Does it happen all at once or bit by bit?" he asked.

"It doesn't happen all at once... You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily... Generally, by the time you are Real you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

The writers explain that we're most real when we're connected to others (especially when you're connected to the one you were created to love). This couldn't be truer! and i think that even more so, we are most real when we're connected with our authentic selves. i have finally connected with who i really am. not who someone tells me i am or what the world says, but really who God says i am. good stuff.

the next thing that really jumped out at me was the authors' beautiful summation of theology. sometimes theology can get tricky and complicated and by the time we're finished talking about systematic theology, people are either confused or upset. but the writers did a fabulous job in depicting the gospel in the most beautiful and accurate of lights. They realize that though christians have many differences among them (like the hot button issue of whether or not homosexuality is a sin) we also hold onto a similar hope. we can agree on some things:

"Today's followers of Jesus share a faith that God exists, loves us, and made this love manifest with a supreme redeeming act, which also serves as the supreme model for our own love for others... Whatever our differences, we agree that everyone is an image bearer of God, with immeasurable worth and deserves respect. And whatever our disputes, we share a common hope-that death will not have the last word. In the end, the very end... all shall be well. We also... generally agree that truth is revealed through God's word (Scripture) and God's works (nature). Furthermore, we agree that pride is a deadly temptation, that we are all fallible and at times broken, and that we are called to worship God with an "ever reforming" spirit of humility." AMEN AND AMEN! i love it. what a beautiful explanation of how we can actually come together as Christians, despite our differences. 

what's sad though is when christians or those who claim to be, put other christians down and judge them harshly. it breaks my heart when one person disparages and judges another for any reason. we must resist pride. we must embrace humility and try to love one another as Christ loves us. Christ never used hate speech against homosexuals. we could all learn something from Him. 

one last thing, and that will be quite enough for tonight, i loved how this book pointed out the consensus among medical professionals concerning homosexuality. this blew me away. it showed me that pretty much the only group who is still buying the whole "homosexuality is a sin" thing are mostly fundamentalist christians. of whom i am a recovering one, mind you. the book reveals that half a million medical professionals agree that therapy cannot change orientation. they agree that it is actually harmful and could have dastardly effects. i could go on and on, but basically the authors compile the research and findings of top medical professional organizations and they all agree that homosexuality is not a choice and that it is unchangeable. now i know there are many out there who might agree with this, yet still think homosexuality is a sin. i can't judge those people because i thought that once, as well. but that's when it's important for that person to dig deep into scripture and see what the Bible really says about the issue of homosexuality. i dug and dug and prayed and prayed for years. and throughout the course of that intense studying time and praying and fasting, i finally realized i'd been deceived into thinking it was a sin. i prayed for years asking God to reveal to me His Truth and He did. some may say i'm deceived now by satan, but it's quite the contrary. finally i have eyes to see. the God i am in love with would not allow me to be deceived when everyday for a year i asked Him to show me if i was wrong about everything. all i get over and over again is affirmation after affirmation. life outside of the box and 2 dimensional thinking is so much better than the alternative, in which i lived for 20+ years. i am so thankful that sanctification involves enlightenment and that God is taking us from glory to glory with new understandings. and that He is big enough and sovereign enough to keep us from being deceived if we are truly and daily seeking Him and abiding in His truth, Word, and Spirit. 

whether you are christian or non-christian, gay or not, or whether you believe being gay is a sin or not, i encourage you to read this book. educate yourself on what's really out there, outside of what you've always known. it's time to seek peace and pursue it. it's time to hold fast to the Truth. not the truth we've been taught and convinced of by people and misinterpretation of the Bible... no, i'm talking about the Truth that is found deep within the heart of the God who loves perfectly, the God who sanctifies us and the Holy Spirit who leads and guides us into all truth. 

thank you Jesus for saving me from myself. thank you for revealing your truth to me. thank you that you are big enough to reveal your heart to me despite my deceiver. thank you that in the end, you will and have and will continue to show me the way. i want more of you Jesus. i need you and i throw myself at the foot of your cross asking that you would continue to lead me and guide me into all truth, by your Spirit. search me Abba and know my thoughts. test me and know my anxious heart. see if there be any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. reveal your truth to your creation. open our eyes Lord that we might see you. truly see you, for who you really are, not who we've been told you are. open our ears to hear your truth and to see into what you really say in your word. keep us from the evil one and shine your bright light of grace, love, tenderness, mercy and forgiveness through us, your humble servants. we'll give you all the glory. amen and amen.