how i found hope

thanks to those of you who actually read my first blog! i was so surprised that it was actually read by a few! so cool. blogging is awesome and so helpful! i already feel better after writing that first blog. it was amazing to go back and see where i've come from. 

so in my last post, i talked about my background. the harsh reality of being a Christian who struggles with same-sex attraction, being confident that it was a sin. and then everything changed. i realized that i was tired of just taking people's word for it. i was tired of believing what everyone else told me about homosexuality. i was tired of reading the Bible at face value, the interpretation of men. so i started looking at the original language of scripture, going back to the hebrew and greek. in that original text and context, i found a whole new different idea about homosexuality. 

i began reading many differing views concerning the topic. i learned of the gay christian movement. i pray A LOT. i wanted God to tell me the Truth. not what i had been taught, but what He really thinks about it. and He began to soften my heart toward homosexuals and He softened my heart toward myself. 

He did this through a variety of ways, but the major way He showed me the light was through a girl named Hope. obviously not her real name, but i nice name, none the less. God offered me hope through her. 

we met and became friends. we started hanging out and spending time together on a regular basis and what i loved about her is that she was so real. and she wasn't unstable. i had been close with so many people who were not healthy. they were dependent and had major issues. she was a strong believer and so fun to be around. she loved the Lord and was a blast to hang out with. it's hard to truly explain how everything happened, so i'll try to give the short version.

basically the more we hung out, the more i fell in love with her heart. but it wasn't physical at all, until several months after our friendship became closer. i felt comfortable enough to share with her some things about myself and my past and she felt that same comfort. she was the real deal. she walked the talk and loved people. Jesus truly worked through her and i could see it. i admired her faith and we had a mutual respect for one another. 

then i noticed that i had developed feelings for her. i was falling in love with her. and the physical attraction came as well. she was always beautiful to me, but one day it just changed. i realized that i was attracted to her in every way. but i couldn't act on it, because i still was thinking it was a sin. so i tried to spend less and less time with her. but it didn't work. God kept sticking us in the same situations. we kept crossing paths. thank God this wasn't up to me, otherwise i would've missed out on the love of my life. 

so we started flirting (though we would've never admitted it) and then one night i shared with her my struggle with dealing with my past and she opened up with me about her past. and then there was the night she sat me down and opened up to me about her struggle with homosexuality. she had been in a previous relationship but knew it was sin and thought it was just an isolated incident. i couldn't believe she told me! i was so relieved because then i felt free to tell her. 

that night was definitely one to remember. we shared with one another our struggles and issues, but agreed that we wouldn't act on our desires anymore. then i confessed my feelings for her. and she confessed her feelings for me. we realized that we'd been falling in love but didn't want to admit it. she assured me she'd never act on it, and i did the same. after all, we were both christians and thought homosexuality was a sin. 

then we decided not to see each other for about 9 days, just to let the dust settle. would we have to end our friendship because we struggled with one another? would i have to cut it off just like i'd done in the past? 

this was different though. i didn't feel led to end the friendship with her. i knew God wanted us to remain friends. i didn't know why, but i knew God still wanted me in her life and her in my life. even though we didn't see each other for those long 9 days, we talked multiple times every day. each day it became clearer in clearer that we were both falling for one another. the strange thing was, neither of us felt conviction about it. and we prayed and prayed and prayed for conviction. we both so wanted to be obedient to the Lord and remain in His will. 

but the more we talked, the more we realized that we had very real feelings for one another. deeper feelings than either of us had had for anyone else. we grew close those days apart and lots became clear. but we still considered acting on our desires to be sin, so we vowed to just be friends. it was not an option to open that door.

but the night we saw each other again for the first time, we talked for hours and hours about everything. there was such a peace in that moment. and i thought "how can this be?" it was beautiful, and i'm sure some people reading this will think i'm crazy and deceived. but this was more real than anything i'd ever felt. my heart was fully alive, my spirit fully engaged. and i knew in that moment that what i was feeling couldn't be sin.

but i needed proof. 

and thus began the long journey into the heart of God and His Word to find out what He really says and what He doesn't say about the issue of homosexuality. Hope and I continued to fall in love, but we were so in love with Jesus so we had to reconcile the tension between possible sin and walking in freedom. we couldn't "live in sin" and continue being in love. so we both committed to praying and studying and begging the Lord to convict us if we were not in His will. that was 8 months ago and there has never been ONE twinge of conviction. it has been the weirdest thing. but we concluded that after much prayer, fasting, tears and conversations, that God did not, in fact, see homosexuality as a sin. far from it, in fact. He rejoices when we love. when we love, we are most like Christ. and Hope and I had the most beautiful God-given love. of course it wasn't that easy... it took alot of convincing, because i was still doubtful, just because of my ingrained previous thoughts on the issue.

the deeper i dug in scripture, the more i found out about God's heart. i found out that the Bible never talks specifically about homosexuality. if you think He does and you are reading this, i would challenge you to do what i did, and look at the original language and context. besides our love, me and Hope knew the Truth (Word of God) would have to show us the truth. in everything that has happened, God has preserved and protected our relationship. He has given us countless opportunities to be together. He's used ministry to keep us and protect us and bond us together, for His glory. 

but again, like i said, there was zero conviction. and this isn't me being deceived. 

the purity of our love for one another will never be found in anyone else, especially not in a man. i realized that Hope was the woman created for me. and though we can't be public about it, and i can't even share with anyone besides you bloggers about it, we are still more in love than any couple i've seen. because it's God-centered. it's not based on lust or desperation. it is based on His love that He gave us. it's based on Truth, that we found in scripture. 

aside from that obvious love we have and lack of conviction, what i found in the Word was amazing. or what i didn't find in the word. Jesus never said anything about it. if it was so important and such an abomination, He would've spent time talking about it. at least one verse? but no, nothing. and when the Bible mentions sexual immorality, it was talking about promiscuity, adultery, having multiple partners, pedophilia and abusive sex... the list goes on and on. but no definition can be found for homosexuality. it wasn't even introduced until much later. and then i thought, well, it still might be a sin because God created adam and eve, man and woman. but that was for pro-creation! the Bible doesn't say anything about committed partners even if they're from the same gender. the verse that really hit home with me was galatians 3:23: in Christ there is no slave or free, gentile or jew, male or female. so when God sees us, it seems that He sees no distinction between people. we are all His creation and some of us have the privilege of being His children, adopted into His family. wow. i am so humbled by His choice of me, to include me and give me the gift of salvation! now He continues to sanctify me. and it is beautiful. 

we are obeying the first two commandments "the new covenant" to the greatest extent than we ever have: love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength... and love one another as you love yourself. 

this blog may sound like a defense, but why would i defend something that i dont feel convicted about? i know i can't change anyone's mind who genuinely believes that homosexuality is a sin. i used to be exactly like that. i wouldn't argued with anyone. but i was totally living based on my pre-conceived notions. i was completely acting out of what someone else has told me and based on my own ideology and thought processes. 

now i look to God and His Word alone for how to live this life. and He is using me more than ever in ministry, in my church. He is blessing me like never before. living through me life never before. sanctifying me like never before. and i ask myself, why would He do all that if i was living in sin? especially now that it's been almost a year! He would've convicted me by now if it was sin. but no conviction, though i still pray for it on occasion, just to be safe! but all i get from Him is continual affirmation. that i am in the center of His will. 

so now i am more in love with Jesus than ever and i am so thankful for Hope, who is the love of my life sent to me from God. i tried to fight it, tried to hide from it, but it wasn't something that i could run away from. things in God's will aren't typically easy to run from. so now i am running toward Christ, along side the woman i was created to love. and He is revealing Himself to me more than ever before. i am finally loving and living freely and living the life God created for me. 

hopefully the Lord will communicate what i desired to communicate in this blog: how i came to realize that i had been very wrong all along about what God thought about homosexuality. and also how the Lord brought Hope and I together. 

what's hard now, and i suppose i'll be writing about it in the future, is the reality that i can't tell anyone. that's why i started this blog, because i had to think of some way to get these thoughts out. hopefully someone will be ministered to by this, but more importantly, i just want to get my thoughts out. this will be a hard road. but i am called by God to continue on in full-time ministry. i dont know how all this will pan out or how things will work out for me in the future, but i'm trying to live each day for that day. i am trying to live life one day at a time. it is a double life and it's hard, but i know it's not time to tell anyone yet. it would ruin everything. 

just pray for me if you're reading this. pray that God would soften the christian culture toward homosexuals. pray that He would convict people of their hatred toward people who dont fit inside the christian box. pray that my family and friends would begin being softened toward the possibility of homosexuality not being a sin. i just want people to have open minds and open hearts like i finally did. oh that we would stop relying on man's wisdom and start digging into the Word!