i heard a sermon the other day on integrity and deception. and i knew it was going to be extremely difficult to listen to, because after all, i am basically living a life of deception. i am putting forth a facade that i am a normal, straight christian in full-time ministry. yet, at the core of who i am, i am gay. i've always wanted my public life to honestly represent my private life but that is not an option right now. and it was very hard to hear the content of this sermon.
first of all, facade means "a misrepresentation intended to conceal something unpleasant."
dont get me wrong, i dont think my being gay is unpleasant. but it is unpleasant to mainstream christianity, and that happens to be the primary world in which i live and minister and do my job. but to survive, and not be completely kicked out of the ministry, i have to misrepresent. thus, my struggle and the tension between being real and being cautious.
the speaker said it this way: lying is sinful. bearing false witness is sinful, in all circumstances. half-truths are deceptive and thus, a lie. equivocating is lying as well. deceiving others can also be included in this category. all i kept hearing was that God wants us to be people of integrity. i agree. but what if it's not that easy?
what about the people who were hiding jews from the nazis? when the hitler folks came around their house and said, "are you hiding any jews?" i think it was probably ok for them to lie. i was asking God what He thought about this, but i didn't really get an answer.
so i'm sitting there in my chair seemingly sinking lower and lower as i listened to the message on integrity. the speaker said with an emphatic tone, "integrity comes from the math word integer, which is a whole number. thus, integrity means to live with wholeness... the definition being: 'the quality or state of being complete and undivided.'" then there was a challeging question to the listeners, "are you complete and undivided? does your private life match your public life? are you living a life of half-truths and living from a heart divided by lies?"
ouch. ouch. and more ouch.
yes! i cried to the Lord. and He knows. He knows that i'm living a double-life. my most happy and natural life is the one i live when no one is looking, when i embrace my gay identity and love the woman who i was created for. but the life people see is the life i portray when i am fulfilling the role of worship pastor at my extremely conservative and border-line fundamentalist church! that life being a straight, got-it-all-together good christian moral girl.
it hit me like a 2x4... i am not living in integrity. but Lord, have i any choice? what are my other options? if i come out, then i'll be kicked out. if i get real, then i'll get fired. if i live with integrity, i will be shunned with judgement. and that would mean i would have to say goodbye to the ministry God has called me to. sure, there are ministries that would allow me to use my giftings and also be gay. but coming out would end what i am doing now, and what i'm doing now is exactly what i feel called to do.
oh the tension and heart-dividedness! i know the Lord will iron this out in my heart, but right now it just makes me anxious. i want so badly to be like the people i saw on the movie last night "for the Bible tells me so." i want to shout it from a mountain! or, at least i want to tell my dad or close friends. but right now, that is not an option. so what do i do? well, i have many nights like last night: i fell asleep praying for my family, that God would soften their hearts and prepare them to hear what the Truth is about scripture and homosexuality and also the sexual orientation of their daughter. i dream of the day when i can sit my daddy down and say, daddy, i'm gay. and i long for the moment when he holds me regardless and says, honey, it's ok, i love you. but what's more, i would love for God to reveal to him that it's not a sin at all. this will take an act of God. good thing i have the God of the universe acting on my behalf!
so, integrity or not, i am still abiding in Christ and trying my hardest to trust and live a life of surrender. i pray He has grace on me as i try to figure out how to live out my calling and also my sexual orientation.
i would love to hear anyone's comments who might know how to do this whole living with integrity but being in the closet thing...
6 comments:
All I can say is I am a fellow struggler, and if you figure it out, let me know! I know your struggle, it is my own! I know there are other churches out there that are open and/or welcoming to GLBTs, but I feel that God has called me here, to this church, just as much as He made me a lesbian.
Hi there--
It seems to me that you're experiencing the Now and the Not Yet, yes? (I seem to be channeling early Amy Grant here...)
I'm a partnered lesbian worship/music director of a Lutheran church. Came out to myself, though not many others, while I was in seminary. 10 years later, I'm out everywhere.
It took my partner, the youngest daughter of a pastor in a conservative denomination, 8.5 years to tell those closest to her in her family.
It's a process, I think. It's a matter of living in the gray area...and discovering that Christ is there, too. "It's a sin to lie..." well, yeah, but it just isn't that simple. Not if you're facing the prospect of losing all your loved ones, your ministry and your livelihood--especially while all this is all new and tender for you.
Be patient with yourself, Sister. It's going to be OK, but this might take you a while to negotiate. Start small, with low-risk people. Find an objective person to talk to when you need it. Build your core of strength before you take on the rest of the people in your life. Get some support around you, and find your footing first.
Our experiences (my partner and I) were that there was far less resistance than we'd anticipated in many places, and far more MORE in a few. There has been some loss, but there is also a wonderful extended "family" around us that we wouldn't have found any other way.
Mostly, I found that God was there in all my darkest moments. And God is with you in this struggle--I promise.
Living your truth is a really life-giving direction to point your feet. But there's no need to jump off a cliff; one step at a time.
Grace, courage and peace to you.
Dear sister,
I found your blog through Cecilia's . I am so glad you are finding your voice and your confidence in God's love for you and your beloved as you are so beautifully created.
I am functionally straight (bi, but in a long term, faithful and happy straight marriage) and after much conversion have a heart for my LGBT sisters and brothers, especially those grappling with their place in the church. I also relate a bit because as an Independent Catholic clergywoman I have also had a struggle to live my vocation and find acceptance (or not) from my faith community.
I pray that you will know your wholeness--integrity--more and more in Jesus' love and be guided by the Holy Spirit in how to live that in a very unjust world and church. Thank you for your important witness to the truth of your life.
Coming to terms with being a lesbian takes time as does coming out. It is a process. Don't rush any faster than you need to.
All of us try to life our lives with integrity. I think you need to remember that the only one that knows us fully is God. Everyone has private things that they don't share with the world.
I remember a pastor I had. I was amazed by his Christian love, and holiness. He seemed perfect.
After some years I left his church and we became friends later. As I got to know him better I realized that the image I had of him was idealized. He was a good and holy man but he wasn't perfect. He had his foibles and struggles.
Be gentle with yourself. You don't have to be perfect. Only God is perfect. Do the best you can and know you are doing what you can as you can. God will give you the grace you need.
I think eventually you will come to a time and a place where you can serve the Lord and be open about yourself. Just follow where He leads you and it will all work out.
I'm now a married lesbian with a wife, and out everywhere. It took me years to get to this place. I can see God working all through it.
Your words are powerful and strike yet another chord among all of us who are struggling as you are...although all of us in different scenarios...we all desire to be free of chains that bind us and be loved for who we are. You have summed up in your blog what many, including me, have been trying to come to terms with for years...an issue of integrity. Thank you for expressing it so well. I'll be praying.
Hope
Here via Cecilia and offering hugs if you want em.
It's not easy. I could say that your 'sin' of lying (if by omission) is caused by others' sin of bigotry...which it is, but that doesn't make it okay, either. That said...sometimes your other options are all worse and you have to do something that sucks. This has gotta be one of those cases.
I'm lucky in some ways...I was raised Christian but it didn't 'take', so I got to deal with being bisexual before I had to deal with being bisexual and Christian. I've also spent a lot of time in very accepting places and really have had to deal with very few people who gave me grief.
That said, my mother still doesn't know...and I don't know that I'll ever tell her. I tell myself it's for her sake, but some days I'm really not sure.
We're all on the journey one way or another. I can advise but what you need to do is so specific to your situation...seems better to pray for you, and tell you I'm here to listen, than anything else.
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