anne has known for several years now that i have, quote, struggled with homosexuality. and the reason i wanted her to read this book was to start a conversation. i wanted her to gain a more open-minded approach to the topic of homosexuality, especially since she's so important in my life. she thinks i think it's a sin and that i'm committed to fighting it. so she holds me accountable each week as to whether or not i've fallen in this particular area. little did she know, however, that more than a year ago i started to change my mind about everything. see previous blogs on that too.
these past few months my goal has been to take baby steps to start coming out to my close friends. thus, i asked anne to read the book. and she did and she had a surprisingly open mind about everything. i loved the way she responded. it was amazing and loving. so i was expecting to sit down at coffee with her and tell her i was searching and just wait and see what her reaction was.
by the way, my beloved Hope was with us, as well. which made things even more exciting.
so anne starts sharing with me her thoughts on the book and the overall topic of homosexuality. she is definitely more open minded than she used to be. she realizes she's just taken everyone else's word for it. but now she is digging deep into scripture and the original language and she isn't afraid to learn something new and she is ready to own up to the possibility that she, just like me, might have missed the boat on the whole issue of homosexuality being a sin. so she talks and talks and i listen intently. i had prearranged in my head that i would not reveal to her that i thought it was ok. that was a little too deep and i wanted to keep the facade up. but then she asked me what i thought about everything, and thus began diarrhea of the mouth.
i tried so hard to equivocate and beat around the proverbial bush, but i couldn't do it. i couldn't keep lying to my best friend. my heart broke as i shared with her what i really thought. i even started crying, which never happens. as i cried and shared with her my truest heart in vulnerability, i finally opened up to her and told her i didn't think it was a sin. of course i explained to her the journey it took me to get there (minus the falling in love with Hope part) and how i hadn't felt one ounce of conviction from the Holy Spirit during my searching process.
i had planned on stopping there.
then, before i knew it, i just came out and said it. "anne, i'm gay." i'd never said those words to anyone besides Hope, myself, and God. but here i was, at a public coffee shop, tears streaming down my face, confiding in my best friend and accountability partner.
wow. i still can't believe that happened just two days ago. i would've blogged earlier, but honestly i've been dumbfounded by the whole situation.
so i told her that i was gay. not that i was a christian still struggling with homosexuality. but that i was gay. that i no longer believed it was a sin, because i actually took the time to study the Truth. and there i was, beaming with joy as i finally opened up with someone. i came out. briefly, but out none the less. i am gay. even as i type it, it feels so freeing to get that out! the best thing about anne is that she didn't blink an eye. it didn't phase her. she trusts me and knows me and my heart and how desperately i long to be in God's will. she knows my passion for abiding in Christ and bringing Him glory above all else.
i found a safe place in her.
no, i didn't tell her about Hope. 1, because she was sitting right there. 2, because anne knows her very well. and 3 because i love anne and didn't want her dying of a heart attack in a coffee joint. so i will soon (maybe years down the road) tell anne about my intimate committed relationship with Hope.
telling anne was more freeing than i can explain in this blog. though she already knew i had that tendency, she had no idea that i had embraced it the way i had. i was a changed woman and she could see it. she has seen how God has been freeing me up and ministering through me in ways He never has before. she has experienced and noticed the fresh new anointing and passion that God is pouring out on me right now, and it's because i've finally embraced who He's made me to be. i have accepted that i am accepted. i have fallen in love with the One who first fell in love with me, just because i was His. not because of anything i did or didn't do. no, He loves me. as i am. and now that i am truly realizing that love, i am living more than ever. truly living. and now i'm living on another level of freedom, as i finally came out to someone.
i am still hidden in Christ and mostly hidden from others. but now Hope and anne know that i am a dedicated God-fearing Jesus-loving young woman who is gay. talk about a load off my shoulders. accountability will definitely look different than it used to. and i couldn't be more excited!
so now all i am waiting for is, for that new friend i was telling you about several blogs ago to read the book. i will see her soon and i see a safe place in her as well. i know i'll tell her someday too.
thank You Jesus for safe people. for being my Safe Haven in this storm.
1 comment:
Ahhh.... You've had an Incarnational encounter -- Being fully authentic, you and your friend left the encounter changed. Change and growth.
Alleluia!
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