i never wanted to just write a letter. i wanted to do it face-to-face. initially, i felt that a letter was a cop-out, a weak approach to something extremely important in my life.
what letter? THE letter. the letter that i am going to start writing to eventually give to my parents. telling them that i'm gay. why a letter? well, i realized that i would have no chance of successfully articulating my heart and mind when sitting across from my mother. within 10 seconds of bringing up the conversation, i wouldn't be able to keep talking. mom would shoot me down. she would immediately begin arguing. she would have a thousand points arguing my one point. i would get frazzled, i would get confused and nervous and scared. my thoughts would fall by the wayside. also, i wouldn't be able to keep talking when i see my dad's face of disappointment.
so to avoid world war III, i've decided the best approach would be to write them a letter. a long letter. a letter that i will probably work on for the next year. i dont want to leave anything out. i want to include every single possible thing in this letter to rightly express who i am, what i've learned, what i used to believe about homosexuality and what i now believe about it and why. i want to share my heart, my dreams, my fears, my beliefs, etc.
and i know i won't be able to do any of that face-to-face. thus, today, i am embarking on the scary yet liberating journey of writing the letter that will make my parents aware of their daughter's sexual orientation.
here's why i'm blogging about this: i need your help. your advice. your thoughts. have you written a letter of this nature to someone you love dearly? do you have any ideas for what i should include in this letter? i believe that it's wise to seek Godly counsel. so, you, my faithful blog readers, i covet your thoughts and ideas on this issue. how does one even start a letter of such importance?
ok, i'm gonna go start the letter. i think i'll post snippets of it, here and there, for your review. but my goal is to be myself and to be unashamed. i want to write with humility and thoughtfulness. i don't want to completely ruin my parents' lives with this letter. but it's time. i can't be fake any longer. i love my parents so much and each time i am with them, i am faced with the reality that they don't really know the real me. i so desperately want them to know the real me. it would make my life so much easier. but that's my problem. i don't want to make my life easier at the expense of potentially ruining theirs. my two greatest fears that have kept me from coming out to my parents: my mother's anger and my father's face of disappointment.
but alas, a letter i will write :)
7 comments:
You go girl! THE letter. Wow, that's a big step, I'm cheering you on. Hey, just so you know, I don't think writing a letter is a cop out.
Anita over at sisterfriends-together.org has some really great entries under "coming out" "What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before the Big Reveal, Part 1 and Part 2".
I found this information to be supporting, encouraging and very true.
I really think the letter just has to be you though. Your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, your dreams, all YOU.
I do hope you surround yourself with as much support as you can. Folks who will lift you up, encourage you and pray for you. I do believe it helps a lot.
You can count on me to be one of those folks!
Let us know how it all goes!
Blessings.
My wife and I have been talking about this post. She is 54 and never actually told her devoutly catholic parents (although they figured it out and were OK with it and ultimately happy about our marriage) Her father got to meet me and liked me; he has since died.
Her take on the matter... First of all consider the ramifications. Are you prepared for the possibility that they will take it badly and cut you out of their lives?
Second - why do you want to tell them? Think about the reasons for it. Is it absolutely necessary to do so? Is it likely they will find out if you don't tell them? Do you have a partner that you want them to know?
Third - She was very much against doing it in a letter. Once you write it you can't change any of it, or explain it or reassure them. Nor can you soften it.
Me again - When I told my mother she at first refused to discuss it. I had to follow her from room to room and keep talking until she would listen and talk about it. She is OK with it now but still doesn't want anyone from her church to know about me and my wife.
We have a friend who is a pastor and she recently told her parents. They refuse to discuss it at all but have maintained a normal relationship otherwise.
Do you have a sibling that could be an ally in this? They might be able to assess how your parents will take it and maybe be there to help you through it all.
It isn't going to be easy whatever you do. Good luck!
As a matter of fact, yes, I have written THAT letter.
As you have described, I knew that I would not be able to say all that I wanted when I came out to my parents, but I did want to do it in person. So, I came out to them, doing the best that I could (Cried most of the time.), but then left them with the letter to help them sort through the information (Of course, may discussions followed.).
Another intent of the letter was to provide my parents with something they could use when others in Evangelical Land learned what became to be known as "the bad news about KJ." Given all the misinformation in conservative Christian circles, particularly related to the causes of SSA (e.g., smothering mother, distant father), I wanted them to have a resource that made it quite clear that this was not the case in our family.
I opened with one of my favorite hymns, "Be Thou My Vision" as I wanted to communicate that this step was not a journey away from faith, but a dive into the arms of a loving Saviour. I wrote the letter in two sittings, crying most of the time. You are right -- Likely the most important letter I, or you, and others, will ever write.
I have to say that I'm not wild about Joan's wife's advice (Peace be with her! :-) ), though I am very aware that we are not all called to the same acts at the same time. I grappled with the Spirit about not telling my parents, and logistically, that could have been done. However, that kept me in the "driving seat" as if I were the one in charge of my life -- I had to do a "letting go", dying to what I wanted. The call to full authenticity required nothing less. Shortly after, I learned just one of the blessings of that as my aunt, literally on her death bed, got to tell me she knew my "big news" and that she loved me. It makes me cry to relive that moment as I type. Blessing.
If you share portions of your letter with us, don't do it for the purposes of review as these will be matters of your heart laid bare. As I know some of your readers through the mystery of the Internet Tubes, however, I believe I'm safe in saying that they will be blessed and moved by observing grace in action.
Peace of Christ
stephanie, thank you so much for your comment and thank you for being one of those friends who i know supports me and i know i can count on you, even though we've never met! ha! God is good. and thank you for leading me to the sisterfriends blog. i will definitely take that into account before i start writing.
joan k, thank you so much for your wisdom and the wisdom of your wife. and thank you for bringing some important and amazing questions to mind! i think that mostly, yes, i am prepared for the ramifications of them cutting me out of their life. but i know my parents and they have always unconditionally loved me. my dad especially couldn't even live if he wasn't fully loving me! it will be hard on them, for sure, but ultimately, after they've had alot of time and God has revealed His truth to them, i think they'll choose to continue to be in my life. i'm hoping at least! but yes, that is super important to think about! and i will continue exploring that aspect of coming out. that would break my heart if they cut me off, but also i would feel better knowing that they finally know the real me. i would miss them, but eventually they wouldn't be able to stand not being in my life. but then again, who knows? i've never dropped a bomb on them like this!
as far as the reasons go, i've been thinking alot about that. and yes, for me, it is absolutely necessary to tell them. we are so close and we always have been. they know most everything about me and we have a great relationship and spend alot of time together. its getting harder and harder to put up a front. to be fake and totally not myself. and plus, i want them so badly to know and accept and love my beloved Hope. they know her but i want them to really know her and know how much we love each other and are committed to one another. i want them to know i'm happier than i've ever been and i want them to know why. i guess i just want to be honest with them because i always have been, for the most part. plus, my dad is my hero and best friend and its so hard to keep things from him.
i totally agree with what your wife said in opposition to the letter. it is risky, to write it down and never be able to take it back or change anything. but at this point, that's a risk i'm willing to take. i'm hoping the letter will be full of a true explanation of everything as well as reassurance. i'm surrendering and fully asking God to help me write the letter and i've been praying like crazy that He would prepare their hearts.
joan, how cool that you were able to tell your mom and now she's ok with it! did she change her mind about it being a sin? what was that process like? because my mom will hold onto her beliefs with unmatched tenacity. she'll be a hard nut to crack.
and no, unfortunately i do not have a sibling who could be an ally. my only sibling is right of the religious right, if you know what i'm sayin. he is a complete homophobe.
and last but not least, KJ, thank you so much for your post too! i like the idea of being face to face but also leaving a letter. i was thinking of also doing it when they have time to really reflect and think and discuss and cry and such.
you said you provided the letter so your parents would have something to use when the topic came up to evangelicals... how did they use it? did it help? because that's one thing i'm totally nervous about. they will be completely ostracized. they'll probably keep it quiet for as long as humanly possible.
i love the idea with opening with that beautiful hymn. great idea. and that's beautiful about what happened with your aunt. thank you for sharing.
thank you also for sharing your thoughts on me sharing portions of my letter. your right. i wont share for review. i'll share just so it might encourage someone out there who is reading. i would love for it to represent grace in action.
good stuff friends! thank you all for your enlightening posts! i just might go start this letter tonight! grace Lord grace!!!
This is such a heartfelt post. I am not gay, so I have no advice about the letter but I can send prayers in abundance.
And I must say that I am so moved by what KJ wrote- KJ you are a blog hero in so many ways.
Yes, my parents did use the letter. We attended the same church, and I served in a leadership role there, so the news was not something they could elect to keep secret. Seldom have they initiated sharing "the topic" with others who they believe do not know. When they have done that, it has been with friends in whom they had great confidence to be able to see beyond Christian bias. Those types of friends are golden. They did give a copy of my letter to those friends.
I am sorry to hear that you don't have a sibling "ally." I am the 4th of 5 children, and though I can't say I had an ally, I knew that at least some of my siblings, particularly my sisters, would be able to reconcile what they knew to be true about me with this new information. In fact, that is what happened. My younger sister was quite po'd at the news, and was telling my older sister about it. The older sister, the oldest of 5 said, "Let's talk about what we know to be true about KJ." My younger sister moved on at that point.
One thing I had not anticipated was my father's feeling personally wounded. I knew he would be surprised and it would take time to adjust to this new information (In fact, he went through a very clear grieving process., including anger, at which point I used Joan's technique, and stuck close so we could move through it.). But it didn't occur to me he would be personally wounded as I had not had enough confidence in him to share this information long ago. Duh! Of course that would hurt a father. Why didn't I think of that? However, I assured Dad that it was not because of him that I had not shared this part of me, but because of the misinformation with which we had been indoctrinated.
It took my mom two days to go from, "Huh?" to, "I guess there's nothing differently that I would have done." Exactly! I remember my dad telling me, "You mom doesn't seem to be having too much trouble with this." :-)
But, it was worth it all. For the first time in my 40 years of life, I knew my faith on my own, without just riding on the "momentum" of others, and that was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything. I immediately was in contact with others who were wrestling with the reconciliation of spirituality and sexuality, I shared my faith with people I would never have met had I not taken the plunge, and I set out on a journey in which I got to see much more breadth of the Christian church, and not just the "safe sliver" where I had resided for so long.
Joy in the Journey! (A great song by Michael Card, by the way, and the last song I played on the keyboard my last day in Evangelical Land.)
My mother's family have been Bostonians for hundreds of years. She has never been emotional or prone to discuss her feelings. I think my mother was bothered more by what people would think than anything else. She has been a Methodist her entire life but she is more interested in the work she does in the church than in matters of faith. I don't really know much about her relationship with Christ or her faith. She is a prayerful and active member of her church but her interior life is hidden.
Her coming to acceptance of my being a lesbian and my marriage was mostly seeing my relationship with my wife, seeing the respect my wife has for her and her love and care for my mother. My mother also has a very close friend that helped her to acceptance, who helped her recognize that our relationship (Mom and me) was the most important thing.
She has had pastors in the past that were lesbians and it was something everyone knew and was OK with, as long as it wasn't public.
My family dynamic is not typical. My father passed away before I came out but he was most concerned that I be happy. He wasn't happy about my entering the convent but when I left he tried his best to console me. (I felt a horrible sense of lose when I left the convent)
My wife's parents were devout Irish catholics. She never told her parents and her siblings (6) always knew. It turns out they knew and were OK with it but no one wanted to talk about it. It wasn't till same sex marriage became legal in Massachusetts and her father said to another daughter, "I suppose my daughter is getting married now and it is Joan, isn't it?" Everyone was so shocked he knew and was OK with it.
I think my mother has found it easier to deal with my homosexuality and marriage in that I treat my marriage as serious and sacramental as any, the vows as binding as any marriage. She also recognizes that my lesbianism does not mean I am repudiating my faith.
I really don't have any more answers.
I asked our housemate, another lesbian, if she had any other thoughts and she didn't really. She is 48. Her parents threw her out when they wound out she was a lesbian (she was 15) but they now have a good relationship.
Coming out isn't easy but I think it is easier if your parents know you are still the same faithful, prayerful person, trying to live a moral life with integrity.
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