the thorn in my side

i'm not sure if i'm allowed to say this, but can parents be the thorn in one's side? if so, i think that's one of mine. my parents. now, don't get me wrong, i dearly love them both, but they definitely prick me. and the more and more free i become with who God has made me, the more difficult i find it to relate to my parents. especially since i feel like they don't know the real me. they think they know me because they know i'm their daughter who loves Jesus and who struggles with homosexuality. but what they don't know is that God has changed everything, and that i no longer see it as a sin. but how do i even go there with my fundamentalist right-wing republican conservative christian parents? where do i even start?

today at lunch my mom says, "well, i guess we can't watch grey's anatomy anymore." i say (knowing exactly what she's referring to) "why?" 

she says, "because two guys kissed!" - she said with utmost disdain, as if our waiter had put raw chicken on her plate.

i had a choice in this moment. i can either play along like i always do. or i can finally stand up for something. so, in a moment of boldness, i grew a pair, so to speak. 

i started in on her and my dad (with all gentleness, well some gentleness) and i said:

ok wait so now you're going to stop watching it? why now? just because of guys kissing? then why didn't you stop watching it when there was adultery or pre-marital sex or a slew of others "sins" portrayed on the show? why all the sudden must you stop watching now? because they committed the unforgivable sin of putting gays on tv? (insert sarcasm throughout this narrative) i can't stand when christians condone everything on tv and then the second something about homosexuality comes up, they get on the boycott bus. it's ridiculous. if you're going to stop watching because of that, because you think it's sin, then you have to stop watching when you see another sin being committed. 

i was obviously perturbed. 

she answered sheepishly, "you're probably right. but i dont understand why they have to go there with the gay thing. i mean, that is the worst you can possibly get. why did they have to throw that in there?"

i answered firmly, "because that is real life. they don't do that just to piss you off. they include scenes like that because that is life. that is how some people are!" (in my head i'm shouting, THAT'S HOW YOUR OWN DAUGHTER IS!) - but because it's mother's day i decided to refrain from accidentally giving my mom a heart attack on mother's day. it just wouldn't be appropriate.

in case you don't know what i'm referring to, in grey's anatomy this past thursday there was a story line of two men who were in the military and who were also in love with one another. they had a make out scene. big whoop.

so the conversation goes on and i get more and more annoyed. but then my heart just starts breaking. what an battle i have to fight someday. what an uphill climb this will be, to someday tell my parents that i'm gay. their sweet innocent little obedient and Godly girl is gay. my mom sees homosexuality as the worst possible thing ever. i bet she'd be more excited if i told her i was a murderer. she just can't handle the "gay thing" as she calls it. and i can't really blame her. she's old school and grew up believing what everyone around her believed. and it's been reinforced by her church and her occasional listening to dr. james dobson (oh how factual he is... yeah right. please see the latest entry from http://choralreef.blogspot.com to see just how erroneous dobson really is)

so the lunch continued pleasantly, thank God. but i definitely made my point and i was delighted at my boldness. i never stand up to my mom, but i did today and it felt good. no, i didn't change their mind on homosexuality, but at least i made a tiny inroad into another way of thinking about how ridiculous christians are being. homophobia is evil. 

this whole process with telling my parents could take 50 years. they will probably do things that make me feel like they are that thorn in my side. but the good news is that they love me and they want me to be happy, above all else. so i'll continue to pray that one day, they will soften to the voice of their little girl pleading for their approval. 

i wish i didn't want it. i wish i didn't care. i wish i could just tell them and get it over with. but in my situation it's not that easy. my dad is my first love (besides Christ) i love him so so so much and i know that this would break his heart. and break his heart, i cannot do. not right now at least. someday i'm sure i will be honest with them. but not yet. 

ironically i got in the car after lunch and the song by bruce hornby "that's just the way it is.... some things never change."

but in God's world, lots of things DO change. He delights in impossible situations. like parting seas and melting hearts of kings. so too may He melt the hearts of my parents.